I read this on my friend Kissa's facebook page and i don't know if she wrote it- but i wouldn't be surprised if she did. She has a way with words. To say the least. We don't see eye to eye on everything, many things, but i have no doubt about her heart and soul. In this, she also speaks for me. I only wish i had the talent and skill to have written my hearts desire instead of reading it in her words.
What i want in the man i choose to spend my life with:
Not shiny.
But self-aware, accountable, and embodied.
He has done — or is actively doing — the work of unhooking from his wounds, not outsourcing them to women, chaos, or ambition. He doesn’t confuse pain with depth or intensity with intimacy.
He knows who he is when no one is watching.
Emotionally
• He can feel without collapsing or projecting.
• He does not punish with silence, confusion, or withdrawal.
• He speaks plainly. No riddles. No power games.
• When he’s overwhelmed, he says so — he doesn’t disappear.
• He takes responsibility for repair, not just intention.
Nervous System
• His presence settles me.
• My body does not brace around him.
• He doesn’t spike my adrenaline to feel close.
• He values rest, pacing, and attunement as much as desire.
• He understands that safety is seductive.
Relational Integrity
• He is available — not someday, not “after one more thing.”
• He does not keep women on emotional backburners.
• He does not triangulate, breadcrumb, or hover.
• He chooses me openly, not in fragments.
• His words and actions match without explanation.
Masculine Core
• He can lead without domination.
• He can hold without controlling.
• He has strength without rigidity.
• He protects without possession.
• He respects boundaries without sulking.
Chemistry + Intimacy
• He knows how to go slow.
• He is present in touch, not performative.
• He values consent, pacing, and connection.
• Desire doesn’t override discernment.
• He understands that intimacy deepens when it’s not rushed.
Life + Reality
• He has room in his life for partnership.
• He doesn’t need me to stabilize him.
• He doesn’t resent my strength or my softness.
• He respects my mind, my independence, and my depth.
• He can build with me, not just alongside me.
What He Is Not
• He is not emotionally erratic.
• He is not avoidant in spiritual clothing.
• He is not addicted to chaos, validation, or fantasy.
• He is not “almost ready.”
• He is not intimidated by my clarity.
How It Feels
• Calm, not confusing.
• Warm, not volatile.
• Chosen, not chased.
• Desired, not consumed.
• Safe enough for my softness.
• Strong enough for my truth.
What I Require
Availability
• I require actual availability, not potential.
• Not “eventually,” not “when things settle,” not “I’m trying.”
• If you are entangled, undecided, healing, or unavailable — name it honestly.
• I don’t compete with exes, work, chaos, or unfinished chapters.
Consistency
• I require consistency in words, presence, and behavior.
• Hot–cold dynamics are not chemistry — they’re dysregulation.
• I need to know where I stand without guessing or decoding.
Clear Communication
• I require directness.
• No riddles, no ambiguity, no “you should know.”
• If something changes, tell me.
• If you need space, say it.
• If you care, show it.
Nervous System Safety
• I require a connection that regulates, not destabilizes.
• My body should soften around you, not brace.
• I will not stay in relationships that spike my cortisol and call it passion.
• Calm is not boring — it’s secure.
Accountability
• I require ownership.
• When something lands wrong, I expect curiosity and repair — not defensiveness, minimization, or reversal.
• I will not carry emotional labor alone.
Respect for Boundaries
• I require my boundaries to be met without punishment.
• No sulking, withdrawing, guilt-tripping, or pressure.
• Desire does not override consent.
• “No” does not threaten connection.
Integrity
• I require integrity when I’m present and when I’m not.
• No triangulation.
• No emotional backburners.
• No keeping me close while staying unavailable.
Emotional Maturity
• I require a man who can feel without collapsing or outsourcing.
• I am not here to regulate you, fix you, or absorb your unprocessed grief.
• I can support — I will not stabilize.
Sex + Intimacy
• I require intimacy that is attuned, paced, and mutual.
• Slow is not withholding — it’s intentional.
• Chemistry without care is not enough.
• Sex deepens connection; it does not replace it.
Time + Presence
• I require real time.
• Not crumbs.
• Not midnight check-ins.
• Not “when I’m free.”
• Presence is a choice.
Choice
• I require to be chosen clearly.
• Not chased.
• Not tested.
• Not kept as an option.
• Chosen — openly and consistently.
What I No Longer Negotiate
• Confusion
• Emotional unavailability
• Mixed signals
• Trauma bonds
• Potential without follow-through
• Being “understanding” at the expense of my well-being
Final Truth
I am not asking for too much.
I am asking for the right match.
I bring depth, devotion, humor, warmth, intelligence, sensuality, resilience, and love.
What I require is someone who can meet that without fear.
Comments
Post a Comment