What if?

 i just enjoyed every moment and relaxed, trusted that all is well.

What if?

I'd find myself happy.  

It's not a big full feeling that lasts for hours or days..........it's short bright moments when you see or feel something typical, or unexpected....in a different way.  Its a spark of light in the center of your chest that you acknowledge.

It happens more often that you let yourself realize.

Satisfaction is different.  It is a long term, goal reaching and setting state of being.  It's a long road with dips and turns and sometimes dead ends.  But also an acceptance of you direction, a willingness and desire to move forward on the same path.  

And what if things change?  What if you have more moments of darkness and dissatisfaction instead?  Well, then, you change your path. 

It is really that simple.

I have overcomplicated my life in so many ways by trying to project other peoples feelings and never giving weight to my own.  Or being worried about how other people i care about would feel about my choices.  And that has helped me in a way, to find my way to not caring about other peoples expectations.

I've always realized what i didn't want when i came into contact with it.  But not what i wanted.  I've never made active choices in my life where men are concerned until a few years ago.  I would break up with men i found myself accidentally in a relationship with....because i didn't choose it.  Because i passively fell into it.  I could never figure out why my feelings for someone would change so fast - because our relationship was assumed, snuck in, hoping i wouldn't notice.  And when i did I say "What the fuck?" and ended the scenario.  

Relationships need to be negotiated.  Attraction isn't enough.  It's important, and needs to be there, but it doesn't hold the ship together.  Common goals, morals, the ability to disagree with respect, the ability to move forward and not sit stagnant..........to keep growing as individuals and as a couple......with the person you chose, and who chose you back.  Not passive.  Very purposeful.

And sometimes, probably always, it's needs to be tested.  several times.

Before it catches and lights up. 

Before your fears are quieted, and you realise that even when you are in a relationship your are an individual that can make changes to your life if you need or want to.

And the wieght of it lifts.  I have always felt without choices, without power, without consideration within a relationship........and now, i feel the full strength of my SELF.  Within a relationship.

What. A. Concept.