Well now.

 Yesterday i helped in the kitchen as Bill made us Puttanesca.  I have taken up my role as "sus chef" after months of not being allowed to touch anything while he was cooking, and cleaning up.

I didn't wonder if i would see him this past weekend.  I knew.  We have a bit of a routine starting- so that has to be shaken up.  This man is very routined.  I don't want to be put in the same category as the chores.  He must be kept interested, and slightly afraid of losing me.  Or he will lose interest.  

looking back at my relationships that didn't work i realize I always took security as routine. Vary from that routine and it would shake me.  It was what i needed to feel safe.  And obviously, that was proven to be untrue. 

So this weekend, we spent friday night together after work.  He made us slamming fat steaks and I ate the whole thing.  I didn't waste time on any sides.  That steak was my bitch.  I cleaned up behind him as he prepped veggies and soups for the coming days- then we watched some tv, which means we picked on each other as we "watched" tv.  The pups had to go out.

Now.  I've taken to letting them go outside and standing there watching and waiting for them to come back in.  This isn't as easy as you might think.  First of all, Bill lives in east bum fuck on 5 acres of land before the woods start.  The woods are owned by the water company.......and his house is easily accessible to the blue trail.  So, lots of animals.  Especially at night.  And he feeds the deer......which brings everyone else.  Because.....dinner.  I will never get over how close they come to the house and if i stand in the laundry room there is a full glass door that is refective, so we can see out but they can't see in.  And it's magical.  I feel like friggen snow white.

Okay, now add TWO Cane Corso dogs.  Cane and Abel.  Letting them go potty at night isn't as simple as opening the door.

First -flashlight - check the wood line and yard for glowy eyes  If there is a bear, tell Bill and he shoots it in the ass.  He doesn't want them comfy in the yard.  If there is anything in the yard, they must be scattered first or the dogs will chase them into the woods.  All i know is that dogs running into woods = no good.

Second, once yard is cleared of living things, make sure to put yard light on.  This is hard to remember if i or an animal has set off the automatic lights.  

Third- let dogs go out.  Then watch them. Mostly Abel. Wait until they potty, do zoomies and run back to the house.  Brace yourself for two large dogs coming at you full speed.  Then close and lock the door.  Mission accomplished.

All for a pee.  

Friday, the boys did potty dance.  I saw the motion lights on so i knew the deer (a big buck) was out there eating.  I tapped on the window, got his attention and shooed him away.  He didn't want to go.  Basically he gave me a fuck you look.  So, i partially opened the door. And this made him run to the woods.  

HOWEVER, it also made the two very large dogs push pass me out into the yard tear assing after the buck, straight into the woods at full speed all while barking their asses off.  Tattle tales!! This alerted Bill to my booboo. Chaos.  The boys are gone, the motion light goes out so the yard is dark (i didn't turn the light on) and Bill is now outside in his underwear (he is always in his underwear and slippers) yelling at me as he heads towards the woods.

Well.  

First, i know i fucked it up. So i feel bad and embarrassed. Second, i don't take men yelling at me very well.  So MB got real quiet  I went and put my boots and coat on and started walking toward the woods with every intention of finding the boys.  They were back in the minute it took me.  HOWEVER, Bill was still fuming and cussing.  And I got even more quiet.

If i'm mad, you want me telling you i am and why.  It's much better than quiet.  Quiet on the outside is "this motherfucker" on the inside.   Unfortunately, my face is very readable.  I can't help that.  It takes him some time to notice i'm quiet, and that my face is......not smiling.  He stops yelling.  

Even though he has taken to calling me "mommy" to the dogs, i'm new to them.  And they are BIG.  Sometimes i am still allowing dominant behavior from them because i don't recognize it.  Bill tells me, and then i make them stop.  We are learning.  Sometimes they listen to me but only because they WANT to.  They listen to Bill immediately.  Cane always, Abel most of the time.  Abel is a formerly abused dog and he has some of the same issues as Miyagi, only Miyagi is 4 pounds and Abel is.......a full grown Corso.  A well fed full grown Corso.

That was Friday.  Saturday Bill went hunting and i did my thing at home per usual.  And i decided to stay home when he was done hunting.  Did i want to go over?  yes. i did.  But i thought a night away from me was a better idea.  

Yesterday afternoon i go to his house and he cooks for me, i clean it up for him.  He lets the dogs out.  I know i will do it again eventually (maybe not at night).  We sit down to watch football - start rough housing, and he incapacitates me.  I lost all control and had a brain flash of this fact and started freaking out.  Did he stop?  No.  He continued to restrain my movement and then started talking frisky (thats the nice way to put it) And i just about lost my mind.  All the while he's talking to me, and .....well.  To say i was confused and turned on at the same time is an understatement.  I could have stopped fighting him.  But i had to.  I couldn't give in.  I was losing and getting more mad, more turned on.  What a fucked up feeling.  He let me go.  And i burst out crying.  The emotional release that flooded through me was .....insane.  He didn't hurt me, but he did take all power away from me.  Really.  Not pretend.  I can't describe the..........elation? that came over me.  

Maybe i'm messed up.  Or maybe, i found the man that understands how i work.  What i need.  That occasional hard smack on the ass is the tip of the iceberg.  

But don't yell at me.