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comfort

 I don't even feel cautious.  I'm all in.  I'm not holding back a damn thing.  

Whatever happens, happens.

Tonight i went to his house for a few hours and it felt perfectly right.  The boys greated me fiercely at the door, and when they realized it was me, it was all lovins and licks.  And butt scratches all around.  I missed them.  Then i went and planted a nice kiss on Bill.  He heated up dinner for me and i ate while he folded his laundry.  Then we went and watched football- while i snuggled him mercilessly.  

I can question myself, and his motives.  I can tear everything apart bit by bit and hold it up to scrutiny.  I have BEEN doing that even though we were apart.  But i did know.  I did know we weren't finished.  I feel relief that I no longer need to wait.  

He might fuck me over.  He might not.  He could say the same of me.  No one knows what is in store, but what i DO know is that he feels like home to me.  And yes, he sets my hormones off with his kiss.  But even on a night like tonight, when we were just being  with each other on a Sunday night, no fooling around, just being together..........thats were it counts the most.  

There's a difference in him.  A solidness that wasn't there before.  He made up his mind. He made his choice.  And i made mine.

Our history indicates that a blow up will occur and i will run away.......and I truly hope that doesn't happen.  This time feels different.  

And i'm going to enjoy it.  I am going to lavish this man in all the love and affection - along with my attitude if he pisses me off......which he most certainly will, and also will not care that he has pissed me off.  In this relationship, I don't have to lead.  

Maybe i'm crazy.  They say your third love in life comes out of the blue from someone you never expected.  I never expected to fall for this man because he makes me so damn angry - and he makes me laugh from my gut........and he makes me turn to jelly when he kisses me.  

There will be no wishes, no crossing of fingers, no hoping and no waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am going to enjoy every minute we have left together.  However long that is.  


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