Refuse to overthink

 i'm in an actual relationship.  With a man.  That i want to be in a relationship with.

Thats not something i expected to ever say again.

I am no holds barred, head over heals, in love with this infuriating, imperfect man......who is perfect for me.

I will not overthink the risk i'm taking of having feelings, and what that means if he ever decides i'm not the one.  

I will not look at his every twitch as having to do with me.

Most importantly, i will remain my own person, separate from him, but with him.  I will not lose my identity by folding myself into his.  I will continue to strive to make myself better, more informed, healthier.....and not fall into that mistake of being comfortable at the cost of growth.

Friday i recorded a fashion show of dresses that i want to wear on the cruise, because i'm not totally comfortable with two of them.  I sent the pictures to my daughter.  She has not responded.  I believe that is an agreement that those two dresses are a no.  

Then, because i was getting dressed up, i started playing dress up with other outfits that i put together.  "going out" outfits.  I fit into so many of my favorite clothes that i haven't fit in years, but didn't have the heart to give away.  So then i started playing with my hair, and makeup.  You know, girl stuff. 

I sent the picture to Bill and he did the appropriate "i want you" responses....and then thought i was going out with my gf's that night. I wasn't going out with them until Saturday night.

And thats where the miscommunication comes in.  And that's were i start to get fucked up and defensive.

But not this time.  Later in the day, he told me his plans for the evening and i noticed i was no  included.  Instead of throwing a fit, or feeling let down, i just told him "I thought I'd see you tonight.  I better find something to do, because i'm not wasting good makeup lol"  Which caused him to tell me he thought i was going out with the girls tonight and getting all stressed out.  I told him not to worry, and not in a "you better worry" voice.  Let him do what he does.  That is my motto now.  And let me also do what i do.  And that is finding some live music somewhere.

So while i'm doing that, he's changing his plans.

I don't think thats ever been done for me.  ever.  by any man.  I'm not kidding.

He tells me to meet him at his house, and i head over thinking we will cook and eat, and watch tv while we hang out with the dogs.  And i bring my overnight bag.  Because, i'm staying. No he didn't ask.  I invited my own self.

When i got there he said lets go out.  And he took me out to dinner.  He's very good at treating me.  Then we came home and went right to bed.

Which i couldn't stay in because he has motion sensor lights and no curtains because he lives in the middle of freaking nowhere and his backyard is like Snow Whites forest with all the animals.  So every time the light went on i ran out of bed to see who was there, eating the food he leaves out.

A HUGE buck eating and two smaller bucks "playing" with their antlers entertwined.  THAT was magical to me.  

Back to bed.

LIghts on

4 does, all eating taking turns and then all their heads turn in one direction towards.......what? what is it?  It's a fox!  and it then starts running but the big doe decides she wants to stomp the little dude.....it's a soap opera out there.  I had no idea does were so bitchy.  

I feel like a little kid.  And apparently, i act like one when i see them.  But the bear.........no thank you.  The dogs watch with me and then look at me like "what is your issue? let me out ".....but i've learned to knock on the window to scare them away before i let the boys out.  They go tear assing out of the house and straight into the woods but the deer have a head start.

I will never get sick of that.

I don't want to walk them on a leash, but letting them go outside for potty is okay.  They kind of listen when i say to come in.  Cane listens, Able does what he wants.

We got out of bed at 4:30am, he made me coffee, I watered the dogs, we then hung out till late morning when i left to go home and be with my animals.  I spent the day cleaning and reorganizing, getting ready for my friends to come over.  We changed plans about going out once we saw the snow/ice was coming.  So while he went bird hunting with his friends, i spent a favorite kind of day putzing around, cleaning and having time to myself.  The girls came over and we did crafts and ate wings and drank wine.  It was a perfect day.

He was up at 1:30am to go into work to salt his contracts and manage his employees.  I thought he would go home in the afternoon when they were done, and crash out to sleep.  But he messaged me "hotwings and football?"  and i went over to his house for a few hours.  We have sporadic deep talks, while wrestling (literally) in between, and making each other laugh.  

It's fun.  

And i now cuddle up to him.  I never really used to be as affectionate as i wanted to be because i felt a wall around him.  

There is no more wall. 

We talk about real things, goals, future, what is success.  He called me beautiful.  I told him he owed me $100 for the wings.  

Am i scared?  yes.  Will I keep my eyes open as my heart melts? yes. This is adult love. It's not about the sex, or the compliments.  Our beliefs align.  Our goals align.  I feel like our strengths compliment each other.

But he is not easy.  He never will be.  He got cranky over the blue cheese dressing that should have been ranch (he hates cheese)........And i let him do his growling.  Then i told him i'd always check the order before i left from now on.  And he told me it wasn't my fault (which i already knew)  But i will check the bag because i know now, that he will get cranky if it's wrong.

Do i have to?  Hell no.  Suck it up butter cup.  BUT I want to.  It's a small thing to do to keep a man happy. 

I'm thinking that while i write in this blog i will talk about things that will hopefully remind me of other things.......if that makes sense.  I don't see myself writing a lot of personal details because it is also his privacy...and he didn't say "go tell the world my business" which is funny because no one actually reads this but me.

HOWEVER, it is a public forum.  And he does have a successful business.  So.  There's that.

I will continue to write about our progress, more so my progress because this is a new phase of life for me.  I'm in it.  no question.

It might implode.  Or it might not.  

One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Per usual.