Skip to main content

Valentine 2.0

Valentines was different this year.  I'm pretty used to spending it alone and not celebrating.  Its a holiday for couples and many couple don't even celebrate it (because the guy is too damn cheap is my thought) My friends invited me out to see "dualing pianos" and that sounded fun.

The first song they played was "Sweet Caroline".........I hate the fucking song. 

Sooooo off to a great start.  

I spent the rest of the sober part of my evening spinning in my head about a relationship that ended years ago.
Then i started thinking about relationships that could have been if i hadn't been a stupid loyal bitch.

I am so glad i'm not living a Jerry Springer life anymore.  

I knew there would be no lovin on Valentines day because i'm single.  Being in a relationship and NOT knowing if you are celebrating or not is pure SUCK.  

I had a nice time and the evening did get better - I was with good company and good gummies.  I may have sang along and clapped a few times. 

Per usual, i spent the weekend with my friends.  This time though, their grandsons came on saturday night and I didn't leave first thing Sunday morning......i was invited to go to their daughters home for a family birthday party and i went. It was nice to be around an entire family for a few hours.  I forget what that feels like sometimes.  

I want to spend more time with my kids and my granddaughter- I wish we all lived closer and had the kind of situation where getting together on Sundays (or whatever day) was a simple thing that didn't involve a lot of driving and/or public transportation.  I wish my home was somewhere they used their key to just come to randomly and see me.  Or borrow stuff.  Or look for food.  But they are grown and have entire lives of which i am a small part of.  Thats more than some people who have no relationship with their kids at all.  I'm grateful but i still want.  Want. Want.

Sometimes i feel filled with regret over choices i've made and then i remember that my kids are good people with good heads on their shoulders.  They are doing better in live than i ever did.  They make smart choices.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »