I can't say half of what i'm thinking because i don't want to. I don't want to put "it" out there for anyone else right not. Maybe never.
I know what i'm talking about, i will remember and even though this is a blog, it is for me first. My memory generally sucks. Until i start remembering things i chose to not remember.
like finding a condom in someones wallet. And it wasn't my kid. Why, why why didn't i just walk away then? Because i needed to learn my lesson. Because it's what has brought me here, now.
Because now i am more comfortable being me in any situation than I ever have been and that makes me feel lighter, happier. I'm happy. Who would have expected that?
Yes, i'm sad about losing what i thought was a forever relationship- but i gotta say, the relief i felt the other day when he got kinda bitchy over text..it was wonderful. I don't have to care if he's moody or pissed off any more. Not my deal. Carry on soldier. Tell it to your new girl. I don't have to EVER AGAIN deal with a grumpy miserable man taking his shit out on me on any given day or moment.
Sweet release.
Of course i care. Of course i love him still. I always will. I know this. But I also know that I don't want that relationship with him any more than he ever did. After all these years of trying to find the clue as to "why" I wasn't enough ...........I was enough. He just simply didn't return it. He cared for me, but I was throwing way more emotion than he wanted from me. And i finally understand.
Here's the thing. You can't accept someones love and affection just to satisfy your own needs, without consideration for theirs. That's kind of an asshole move.
What you CAN do, is be open to returning those feelings. And if you can't, you need to be a good person and be honest about that. Don't use someones love for you as a reason to stay with them. They deserve the same. It took him 13 years to give up my adoration for him. But as i said, i think I needed that lesson.
Because now i find myself in a situation that i never expected. If someone had told me this was going to happen i would never have believed them. But it is, and i'm letting it, and i'm having a good time. A great time. I've found yet another part of me that has much bigger balls than i expected. I like her. I want to get to know her better.
I know what i'm talking about, i will remember and even though this is a blog, it is for me first. My memory generally sucks. Until i start remembering things i chose to not remember.
like finding a condom in someones wallet. And it wasn't my kid. Why, why why didn't i just walk away then? Because i needed to learn my lesson. Because it's what has brought me here, now.
Because now i am more comfortable being me in any situation than I ever have been and that makes me feel lighter, happier. I'm happy. Who would have expected that?
Yes, i'm sad about losing what i thought was a forever relationship- but i gotta say, the relief i felt the other day when he got kinda bitchy over text..it was wonderful. I don't have to care if he's moody or pissed off any more. Not my deal. Carry on soldier. Tell it to your new girl. I don't have to EVER AGAIN deal with a grumpy miserable man taking his shit out on me on any given day or moment.
Sweet release.
Of course i care. Of course i love him still. I always will. I know this. But I also know that I don't want that relationship with him any more than he ever did. After all these years of trying to find the clue as to "why" I wasn't enough ...........I was enough. He just simply didn't return it. He cared for me, but I was throwing way more emotion than he wanted from me. And i finally understand.
Here's the thing. You can't accept someones love and affection just to satisfy your own needs, without consideration for theirs. That's kind of an asshole move.
What you CAN do, is be open to returning those feelings. And if you can't, you need to be a good person and be honest about that. Don't use someones love for you as a reason to stay with them. They deserve the same. It took him 13 years to give up my adoration for him. But as i said, i think I needed that lesson.
Because now i find myself in a situation that i never expected. If someone had told me this was going to happen i would never have believed them. But it is, and i'm letting it, and i'm having a good time. A great time. I've found yet another part of me that has much bigger balls than i expected. I like her. I want to get to know her better.
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