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My turn for a married man

I had a feeling, so i went with it and entered the phone number of the man I'm supposed to go on a date with Saturday into facebook.

A friend taught me that trick about a year ago and let me tell you, it's been invaluable for information- and seeing through bullshit.  At least this time, the truth didn't break my heart.

Well there he was, with a very recently updated facebook page that announces he is the husband of...well, his wife. No mistake.  That's his name, his face, his lie. 

Nice.  Very nice.  A friend of mine suggests that I ask him about it, another wants me to confront him - yet my inclination is to cancel the date with a transparent excuse and move along.  I have nothing invested in this person.  He isn't going to get another minute of my time to waste with more bullshit lies.  

It's the cosmos redirecting my energy back to myself, and telling me to stop trying to find someone to fill this empty space inside me.  It just hurts.  All the love i have for my ex, caged and thrown into the deep end.  But i have to keep on going, smiling, functioning, showing up.......adulting.  Sometimes i want to scream and beg and tell him that it's enough already, stop.  Just fix what you need to fix and come back to me.  But it was all a lie.  I don't want what we gave up - i want what we didn't have.   

I tell the truth.  To the point that i'm an idiot for telling the truth.   I've spent too much of my life accepting lies because the truth was too messy.  I won't do it anymore.  I'm not stupid, i'm not blind, and i'm not desperate for a man.  I accepted lies because to not accept them would mean to lose a man i loved.  And i lost him anyways.  So fuck that.  No more lies.  Ever.

I'm so mad and disillusioned and deflated and just tired.  I want to go to bed and sleep for months, let my dreams deal with my life.  I'm tired of bursting out crying with no warning.  

So put on that music, MB and sing along till the tears dry and the feeling passes.  Don't get upset about things you can't change and don't tell off strange married men that don't matter.  Save your passion for someone who actually wants and deserves it.  Yourself.  

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