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a fight is not the end

I fight like it's the last time i'm going to see or talk to someone.

A disagreement, to me, if taken to a certain level, means the end.

I am very well trained in the arts of people walking away from me and not returning.

Blah blah psycho babble stuff

It's a trigger.  If we don't work it out before we part ways, in my mind, i'm never seeing that person again.

So all my triggers get triggered and it's THE END....

Friday night i cleaned like a madwoman, like i do when i'm in my feels.  It beats breaking stuff.  Saturday morning i packed my bag and left the house by 7:30am to go to Milford.

Time to be with my friends.  

I did not expect to hear from Mr. Cigar, considering our last conversation and his "have a nice weekend".

Not to mention the ease of which he dismisses me from his mind.

So i did the same.  Keep my mind my where my body is, and be with my friends, these friends being closer to family.

He texted me in the afternoon - we kept it light.  I actually thought he was in the drinks because of what his texting was.....instead of getting in my head i just asked him if he was drunk.  

For someone to all of a sudden start sexty talking, randomly, ........i don't think so.  

Yesterday we talked like nothing had occurred on Friday and i don't care for that much either.  Then i got the "eyes" text in the early hours of this morning, when he finds himself wide awake in the middle of the night.....and maybe we are back on track?  

I don't know.  I just know that something that was making me happy now has me a bit off kilter.  I don't want to be off kilter.  I want my peace.

So........Let him steer, and take control of this....is what i'm going to do.  In the meantime, i have stuff i have to do, life i have to live......and if he fits himself in, thats great.  But i'm not holding my breath for men who don't know what they want from me.

I'm not looking for new dates - but at the same time, i owe him nothing.  

This morning, I have my first appointment with a Woman's Movement clinic, where they are going to check my hips first. I can't keep falling down and dealing with a bum knee when I'm trying to exercise to lose weight and feel good.  This clinic is my last resort.  My hamstrings are so tight they snap, my hips are flexible but are in constant pain. 

This sounds so lame to people who take movement for granted but.......my big goal is to be able to sit in a full squat and stand up without using my hands.  

Wish me luck.  
 

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