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TALK talk talk

 Down 3lbs this week.....yay me.

Should i be spending so much time talking to a man that i'm not really seeing?

Why do i even have to think about this.

I guess i'll do it for as long as i like and then not.

I can't help comparing Mr. Cigar and Mr. Tattoo.  

So different, yet both so emotionally fucked up.

Takes one to know one.

Mr. Tattoo had no difficulty using me, even knowing that i was looking for something he wasn't willing to give.  It was "mutual" in his mind.  

That makes not having sex with a man very easy.  Mr. Cigar seems to think he's the one controlling the pace......and in a way he is.  If he tells me he wants to explore a relationship with me, that he chooses me to go forward with THEN we can have sex.  The kissy face stuff is fun and thats as far as it goes, no matter how wonderful he is at it. 

I'm not a prude, or a born again virgin......i'm trying to keep my hormones out of my picking process.  And it's been successful in rooting out the assholes and players over the past year.  Hell, maybe i am a born again virgin after all.

I will forever be grateful to Mr. Tattoo for teaching me how hard i fall once the deed has been done - and how dangerous that is for my emotional well being. That 4 months of playing games will never be forgotten. And his little "hey did i see you" text threw me for a loop because it INSTANTLY brought him to the forefront of my mind - where he has no business being.  He is the past.  He had his chance.

I still experience hurt and embarrassment over that "situationship" and i put him on such a high pedestal because i was trauma-bonded with him.  I seem to gravitate to fixer uppers whether i admit it or not.  

Mr. Cigar has trauma as well (as most of us in our 50's have experienced SOME kind of trauma) and yet he doesn't use it as an excuse to use me.  He seems to be very conscious of his treatment of me.  

I don't feel used by Mr. Cigar at all.  Confused, impatient, excited, and curious.....but not used.

Maybe it will work out, and maybe it won't.  At least i'll know i had my own back and didn't fall for any bullshit behavior either way.

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