I'm fine

 If someone makes you feel degraded, confused and unwanted.......thats not a healthy relationship.

How people have disagreements matters.

He crossed a line with his "joking". He was blatantly disrespectful, crude, and degrading. This, coming from someone who I thought cared about me.

I hung up on him because I was deeply hurt and shocked and didn't want to hear what was coming next. It came out of left field.  He was on a riff of  "negging" me..always calls me a "state worker" which used to be a funny crack until it wore itself out.  I didn't realize how often he would take shots at me all in the name of joking around.  "You stutter a lot"...."you are dangerously uncoordinated," and once he literally stated i was not "blow job worthy yet".

Crude.  Rude.  I don't care how much money you have.....it obviously doesn't buy class.

He had been drinking when he said that last bit........and the fact that I just validated it with another issue.....

I did what I do, and I ignored what made me uncomfortable, focusing on what made me happy.  Except, i've learned through all my mistakes with men, despite myself, i've learned.

Being mean or crude isn't funny.  And it's not how i will be treated.  I have learned that accepting disrespect sets a precedent for more disrespect.

I checked him.

And he showed a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of regard for my boundaries and a willingness to humiliate me for his entertainment.

That isn't the man i can stand behind or give myself to.

Yet, I drove out to his home to give him his gift, and have an opportunity to discuss what had just happened in person.

He ignored my presence, did not open the door to me and when he called me after i drove away he was dismissive and cold.

I've been emotionally punished enough in my lifetime to identify it when it happens.  

Someone who truly cared for me would apologize, check in on me, and try to make it right.  He doubled down on being cruel.

Yes, it hurts.  Yes, i'm sad.  But my life?  Unchanged.  He added nothing to it but text messages and phone calls.  There was no effort to move forward.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment, this man was in no way ready to get involved in a relationship.  And honestly, I'm seeing why his other relationships didn't work. 

That is not my concern anymore.  Would i have tried to "fight it out".......probably, yes.  But the damage was done.  He cut me out.  That was his choice, and perhaps it was the best one for both of us.

What did i learn?  I allowed myself to accept less than what i was very clear about wanting.  I allowed too many "jokes" to slip past without addressing the disrespect.  I'm not one of the boys and when a man treats me like i am......i need to see the red flag.

I'm getting there........it's taking my entire life to learn how to set boundaries, and love myself enough to protect myself.  This is real life, not a movie with a happy ending.  People are imperfect, i certainly am.  People have trauma, and a past and have made mistakes, I certainly have.  I don't expect perfection, but i will not tolerate being disrespected and when i call it out, being dismissed.

Thats not the life i want.

What if he reaches back out to me eventually?  Well, i will need to understand if he lifts me up or wears me down.  I need to know i will feel emotionally safe with him, and without him even trying to understand what caused this whole situation......i don't see that happening.

If he genuinely apologizes (which i'm not sure he is capable of), and takes full responsibility, I will hear him out.  I like this man.  He fucked this situation up with how he handled it and he should be given an opportunity to fix it once he has had  time to reflect.

I'm not going to hold my breath.