crazy town

Fridays i work from home.  It's usually mostly travel authorizations and cleaning up the smaller things that i haven't been able to get to in the office.

If its not on fire, i save it for Fridays.  That creates space for working on higher priority items without feeling like everything is getting out of control.

Yesterday afternoon, i got a call from a friend of mine.  He is in a well known 1% mc.  We met years ago on a dating app and went out on a date. As a rule, i don't date men that are affiliated.  While i understand the lifestyle, it's not for me.  So we hooked up, and called it a day.

I said it.  There was a time after my breakup that i went buck wild and i'm not going to apologize for something that literally set me free.

Those times are over and have been for a long time.  It was a short period in my life that was needed and now it's not.

Anyways, we stay in occasional touch.  We know some of the same people and we like each other.  He will try once in a while to hook up and i will say "what, we can't be friends that don't fuck?" and he will say "of course we can" and we move on. 

So he calls me yesterday, and asks me what hospital to go to....and after a short conversation, he gets a ride to where i work.  I get my outside clothes on and meet him in the emergency room, which is packed to the gills at 5pm on a friday.  

Why.

Because he's been good to me, because he was in pain and (don't tell anyone, scared) and I had the ability to get there and sit with him.  I thought my presence might help both him AND the staff.  (Remember, 1%er in pain)  So we sat, and sat, and eventually he was taken into the back which literally had patients everywhere.  I stayed with him until his girl could get there (about 4 hours) and then i left.  

We aren't close.  But i could do something to make it better.  And i did.  It's that simple.  Sometimes unexpected opportunities arise and we can accept the mission or we can ignore it.  I strongly felt that i needed to be there.  So i was.

I am emotionally exhausted.  Its is hard to not repeat old patterns of reaching out to have a discussion with someone who has proven they don't value you.  To try and prove to him, look at me, don't you care?  No.  And nothing coming from me is going to make him care.  At least not in a way i'm interested in.  So that, is a constant battle going on in my mind.  Coaching myself.  Let him go.  

When i got home last night i ate for the first time that day, and promptly fell asleep on the couch.  I woke up and moved to the bedroom around midnight and looked at my phone to see if my friend had been discharged yet.  

Mr. Cigar was in emoji mode.  Sent me the "eyes".   i almost responded, and rightfully decided it was not a good idea to do anything when i was half asleep and went back to sleep.

I woke up this morning and there's a "like" from my ex's baby mama on my facebook.  

I can admit here, that i have been purposely posting publicly for the past couple of days for several obvious reasons.

I did not expect that she was looking at my page.  I mean, why?  Darryl and I have very little contact anymore and the contact we did had was more about me needing to beat him up over my unfinished issues.  Which he tolerated for a bit and then did his disappearing act again.  I'm not sure why she is even remotely interested in me.  We aren't the same.

I would never want a man that belonged to another woman.  I don't care how attached i was, or what bullshit he fed me.  I told her, she knew, and she carried on.  Even in my literal devastation, i tried to let another woman know.  My job is done.

Does this make me some kind of saint? No, i told her because i wanted him to lose also.  I wanted her to do to him, what he had done to me.  Hurt him.  Thats the truth of it......partially.  I'm human.

Instead, they had a child together and dragged her into a toxic environment that even though it's ended, will carry on for the rest of their lives.  Congratulations.  They are part of the majority.

So it's been a strange last 24 hours.  

Oh, this morning, i did send a message back to Mr. Cigar.  I told him he knew how to contact me if he was ready for a conversation, but i wasn't interested in pretending nothing had happened.  He saw the message.  has not, probably will not, respond.

I'm so over the games and the bullshit that comes along with men.  Yes, i really do like Mr. Cigar.  I actually envisioned a future with him.  He encouraged me, actually talked to me about his day and what was going on in his life,  about business, our past, heartbreak, life in general.  He made me laugh my ass off and I felt good around him.

Unless he was drinking.  Then..........different man.  And i can't do that, won't do that.  My father was an alcoholic, my ex husband had drug and alcohol abuse issues.........and i'm not repeating that again.  Even Darryl who as a rule didn't drink, would turn into a completely different person when he did.  

As my granddaughter says "NO THANK YOU".

Can we be salvaged?  Me and Mr. Cigar?  No idea.  Am i open to it?  No idea.  People aren't perfect, shit happens, but basic respect and caring shouldn't be a surprise.  I'll never say never again.  I mean, i thought i'd be still married in a house with a white picket fence planning my retirement with my high school sweetheart at this point in my life.  What the fuck do i know?