Multiple personalities

 There's the sane side of me - easy going, hard to offend, quick to laugh - comfortable in my skin

and then there's 

the other side.

The one that gets wrapped up in my head about "why am i not worthy" and allows someone else's behavior to make me question my own value.

So what, a guy doesn't like me back.  Big fucking deal.  Says the sane side.  NEXT

Then there's that (here comes the psycho babble) little girl inside me who has never been chosen.  Never been first.  Never been properly cared for.

The one that holds on for dear life to the thought of someday being loved beyond reason.

And when i meet a man I respect, i throw in.  Too soon.  Way too soon.  And i show my cards.  And lose the game.  Because that's what dating is.  A game.

I had in my head that mutual love and affection was the goal.  I've heard women say it's important to love him less than he loves you.  Shit, i can't even get to the love part.  

Last summer it was Mr. Tattoo.  I was over the moon for a man  that gave me no reason to be - aside from the great fucking.  

Here we are in May again, and i fell for another man who gave me ZERO reason.  This time though, no sex.  Brafuckingvo.

I'm seriously not sure which is better.  At least i burned off some calories with Mr. Tattoo.

This afternoon i found out why i haven't really been hearing from Mr. Cigar as much.  He told me the other day i made A COMMENT that i was convenient for him.  And he took that to mean that he contacted me too much.  So he backed off.

Now, i told him thats not what i meant at all.  and then what he had said to me started to sink in.  I said something he didn't like (because he assured me he certainly didn't CARE) and so he punished me.

He said he couldn't let a comment like that go.

I think i felt something in my brain pop.  Did this mother fucker just try to school me in how to talk to him in the most passive aggressive way possible?  And when i didn't complain about his calling and texting less he decided to let me know?  I ASKED for it?  

Sir, kindly fuck off.

He called me AVERAGE.  

LMFAO.  Okay, Mr. bigshot.  That sounds like a YOU problem because no one that knows me thinks i'm AVERAGE.  They might hate me, or love me......but average.....yeah, fuck you.

I tried to have a reasonable conversation with him about THE COMMENT but he just wanted to hear what he wanted to hear.  And he beat me down.

He got into my head, like he said he would.......and he made me very angry and that made me cry.

I don't like it when a man makes me cry.  He's on extremely thin ice if he's making me cry.

No NOT on the phone with him........i'm not a panty waste.  In private, like a fucking grown up.

He "never meant to hurt me"

Lets add that to the list of things I wish to never hear again........

#1 We're adults, we can do what we want

#2 I never meant to hurt you

BULLSHIT.  You never expected to be called out for your shit behavior.

So what have i learned?  Never think i'm having a conversation with a man that won't come back and bite me in the ass in some way.  Never relax, or enjoy, or trust.  DON'T feel safe, even with conversation.  

That's it for me folks.  It's not worth it.  I can't be myself and with a man, and i refuse to be anything but myself.  So.........NO MAN.