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Coo Coo

 I'm taking a back seat to any emerging emotions that arise within the next few days.....

Being transparent with someone you are dating has limits and should be equal.  I know he is into me, but he hasn't jumped and it may take time, or it may not happen.  And either way, that is out of my control.

Control being a bigger issue for me than i realized.

I haven't been controlling the pace of this relationship, always chomping at the bit.  His bit.  Yesterday i had some time to sit with myself and do some thinking. It started as a spiral, i won't lie.  A continuation of the previous nights anxious thoughts and emotions.

I tried to bully him into a stance.  Nope.  He's not falling for that.  

He is in control of this relationship.  BUT I am in control of myself.  At least, i need to be.  This relationship is not the be all end all of my life.  It will happen, or it won't. I will trust myself to make the right choices.

My life goes on regardless.  I continue to learn more and do better at work.  Lots of changes happening now, and thats where my focus needs to be.......on excelling.  Work supports my life.  It takes top priority.


My health- the weight keeps coming off and as much as i hate exercising, i'm seeing the effort pay off.  I was so bad i could only go upstairs one at a time.  Now i'm doing it like normal people, although slowly.  And i don't allow myself to hold the railing most of the time.  Slow and steady.  Get stronger.  At work, i walk around the hospital at every opportunity use the stairs instead of the elevator...i'm bringing my food to work to control what i eat.  I'm drinking water.  I'm getting as much sleep as i can.

And i'm pampering my body with lotions and oils and good smells because it makes me happy.  Whether i am gong out or not.  I used to save all that stuff for "special" but not anymore.  I'm special.

My friends are getting restless with my not being around very often so that needs to be kept up.  They arent' quiet about it, like my kids are.  My friends demand and guilt trip.  When i go on vacation in July I will concentrate 100% on relaxing and enjoying myself.  I will not be obsessed with why or why not i haven't heard from Mr. Cigar.

I will not fall into that trap again.  He is part of my life, if it works out between us.  Not my every waking moment.  I've been divorced and been through a bad break up .......i don't think anything he does can hurt me more than that, so its time to relax into it and enjoy.  Fine, take the wheel.  I'll go for a ride but i'm not giving up my car. 

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