OOOOOH henry 2

 I haven't been in a relationship in over 8 years.  

I've dated some men longer than others - but in all honesty (which i was with them) I don't allow myself to attach.  No thats not healthy......but in each case, i was 100% right not to attach.  It was my brain saying "noooooo this is not the one" 

I thought not being totally turned off, not wanting to throat punch someone.....made them datable.  It kept me safe from being hurt when it ended which i knew it would from day one.

And i was completely fine with that, each time feeling like i dodged a bullet.  No remorse, no regret, just back to my peace and not a second thought.

Mr. Tattoo i got attached to because the sex was amazing and i felt great around him.  When we were not together, i did not feel great because i never knew when/if we would see each other again.  I was dickmatized.  It wasn't just the sex though, because i've had good sex before him.....I thought i could fall in love with him because he checked all the boxes in my checklist.  EXCEPT he was avoidant and had so much hurt in his life that he didn't even want to get past it.  That was so complicated, and understandable, that it's hard to hold against him.  Part of me though, feels like he was a master player and knew how to pull at the heart strings of women to appeal to their nurturing side, the side that would want to heal him.  And i fell for it, hook line and sinker.  And i got crushed.

I have gone on dates after him, but no one i would have a relationship with.....no one i would get hurt by.  Before Mr. Tattoo i had dated Henry, the one and only man i went back to 3 times because.....I couldn't figure him out.  He was extremely handsome, had the voice of a DJ, impeccable manners, and we enjoyed doing some dorky stuff together.  He had a fetish that i didn't find to be over the top, although it did nothing for me but make me laugh till exhaustion....which is what turned him on.....tickle fetish.  I think i was fascinated.  But not in love.  I found it very easy to let him go each time.  I knew he wasn't a keeper.

I knew he was temporary in my bones.  Even though the last time we dated he told me he should have married me and made babies with me.....that "this time" he was going to work through with me, that we wouldn't break up again.  That i was marriage material. (Even though i had already told him there was no way i was getting married again.......because i never considered that i would want to, ever.)

He was full of shit in a pretty package. The reason i bring him up now is that once in a while i check his facebook page. Because it gives me a sick validation that i was right.  It makes me feel vindicated because he acted like i was so horrible because i broke up with him.  And then, yes, i gave him a good kick in the nugs with my parting comment because i knew it would hit home.  And he deserved it.

Not always proud of myself, but in this case.....

After me he started posting pictures of him and a hot blonde on the vacation we were supposed to take together.  I remember wondering how long that would last.  She's gorgeous, he's gorgeous....but how many brain cells between them?  That was mean.  Dont care.  But they've been together a few years now so it looks like this one is sticking.  Good for him.  It's hard out here.

Yesterday i was cleaning up my facebook, and i looked at his page where he had posted a "flashback" picture of them together.....in 2016.

Ah.  and it alllll makes sense.  And yet, men can't seem to understand why trust is an issue.  No all men are not the same.......but a LOT of them are great liars and manipulators.  I was the filler in, the side piece.......ewww.  But thats on him.  

Any inconsistency blows my mind.  Last night Mr. Cigar told me he was going to bed early and yet, he was on Instagram at 10:30pm.....Who cares.  But he hadn't responded to my text so i got irritated.....and then i thought.....this is going to stop right now.  For all i know, he was stalking my page, doing to me what i've been doing to him.  My anxious bullshit will be the end of us.  He isn't going to put up with setting me off at every turn with all my triggers.

And the thing is......even though i was annoyed it didn't bother me.  So what.  I think he's more than shown me he is loyal, is in it with me........still in the begining stages, but in it with me. 

This morning he called me just to tell me he couldn't talk because he had invoices to do before he was on the road.....and that meant the world to me.  He knows i enjoy talking to him every morning. and he didn't just text me he couldn't talk.  He called me.  He made the effort.  He showed me he knows, and he cares.

It was that simple.  

So there are oh Henrys and there are Mr. Cigars and sometimes its very difficult to know which one you are associating with.

A few posts back i said i would go out with Mr. Tattoo again, even knowing how it would end.....and today i can say, no. i would not.  Not even if Mr. Cigar doesn't work out.  Because i've had better with no sex......why would i go back?