dependent

 I knew my cell phone was attached to me, but i never really had a realistic idea of just how much i depend on it.

This morning i went to grab my phone to go sit on the throne.  I had a moment of "OH NO, what will i do?" and then had a good giggle.  what a crisis!  Potty time with no hexagram game!!!!

Last night I was a out of sorts, no phone, no social media (unless i get on the laptop, which i sure as hell did) no audiobook, no texting, no phone calls.....I can't read a book while i'm making dinner!  How am i going to multitask?

Mr. Cigar messages me back on Facebook (good old facebook) and i tell him "come get me" and he does!  He tells me i'm difficult.  I tell him he's a good boyfriend.  He said he didn't want me having anxiety all night without a phone.

Does he know me?  ya think?

What if my kids need me?  The only reason i spent money ON a cell phone back in the day was so they could always reach me if they needed me.  Here we are decades later and i'm still "what if they need me?"....At this point, i doubt i'm even the first person that comes to mind when they need someone.  It's more of a "maybe i should check in on mom and make sure she's not doing something stupid" situation most of the time.

I may have done some stupid things.  BUT i raised two very smart and independent capable and much more successful people than i will ever be. And they are kind.  So there's that.

I didn't even think about anything happening to me, other than boredom and being cut off from the entire world.....until my co-worker looked at me in all seriousness and said "with the state of the world today I would never be able to go without a phone.  What if something happens?"

Something sounded really ominous.  It stuck in my brain.  Enter anxiety with no distractions. 

SO the man came and he picked me up in his big old sexy work truck with THE BOYS!  I got kisses and slurps and butt wags and whines when one was getting more attention then the other.  Who was i more excited to see?  The man or the dogs?  I'm not sure.  I just felt happy climbing into the truck.  This is the stuff of life.  Small moments of happy.

The pups get brought home and we set out to find dinner.  Most restaurants, especially in the boonies are closed on Monday. So we had a nice drive and ended up in a chain restaurant a few towns over because by that time........hungry.  

One thing i've learned about Mr. Cigar....dinner out is not about us having intimate or deep conversations.  Dinner out is about him connecting with the waitress and telling crazy stories.  We always get good service.  They always get a great tip (he is generous) and i can bet that they don't forget serving our table for a long time.

He is inappropriately hysterical.  He loves shocking them, making them laugh.  I could feel some kind of way but to me, he's making their job more entertaining while we are there.  We have our time to talk about deep thoughts and the state of the world when we are alone.  When we are out.......He is outrageously social.  It took me a minute to figure it out.  

Our first date, he focused on me, we sat for hours talking.  He was social with the waitress but not as much as he is now.......now that we are a couple. I have no worries that there will ever be dinners out where we both sit looking at our phones in silence.  He does check his phone VERY often, but again, he is always at work.  I can get upset about it, make it an issue, or I can jump on board and understand.

The man gives me the attention i need.  I'm not going without.  And going out with him is an experience.

I just realized that i'm working remotely today, yet i can't sign in to work because i can't get my security codes because I HAVE NO CELL PHONE.  

Let the swearing start.

I hope that phone gets delivered this morning.  And when it does, i'm going to have to cut down my dependency on it.  

Lesson learned.