anxious attachment

 Last night I sent a meme to Mr. Cigar and promptly fell asleep.  I remember thinking "it's so light outside, it's too early" and that was all she wrote.

This morning when i woke up I realized i never said goodnight, and when i looked at my phone, neither had he.  He had seen the meme.  

We are a couple of losers not being able to stay up later than the sun.  That was my first thought.

My second thought was........why didn't he respond when he saw my message?

Because that is how i sabotage.  That is my anxiety at work.  Stop it.

So i texted good morning and  it took some time for him to respond. he is obviously already on a roll at work.  Here comes my anxiety.  He is pulling away, losing interest, what did i do wrong?

No he's not, no he's not, and nothing.  Relax.

He makes time for me.  I talk to him every day at some point. We see each other regularly, but not on a routine basis.  He knows me.

And i know him.  This man probably woke up at 4am and started working before he got out of bed.  He is focused on work, acquiring, expanding, more, more.......i've seen it with my own two eyes.  Lazy mornings texting with me aren't the priority at the moment.

I'm not feeling crazy yet, but this morning i felt the anxiety rising.  I almost reached out to him for reassurance and i stopped myself.  I don't need reassurance, i need to reset and put the anxiety on mute.

Its going to be like this.  He is going to be focused on work, it is who he is.  If it's an issue for me I better just jump off now.

Or i can be grateful he's an achiever.  That he wants me to do better as well, that he encourages and supports my growth.

Aggressively.

He's not a soft man in any way.....well, there are times when his eyes soften, when i catch smiles, when his voice is gentle but still gruff.  I don't think everyone gets to see that side, but i do. 

Anyway i better be the only one that sees that side. grrrrrrr.

Giving myself some pats on the back for not having a selfish breakdown that would make me a big pain in the ass instead of support.

thats growth.