Can't sleep

Ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep because you are so confused and overloaded and questioning your sanity?  I did.  Last night.  This is what i got up and wrote in the dark.

 I'm having the longest anxiety attack ever.  

I thought it started when we left the party and got into my car to go home.  Now i know why men usually drive.  They are horrible passengers.  

But through the tossing and turning and NOT SLEEPING tonight, it came to me that it probably started while i was talking to my ex.

His POS baby mama is on the warpath again and this time she decided to comment in public on my social media.  To which i was stupid enough to respond.  

I can't always rise above the shit.  Why she thinks i'm the one to reach out to, ever, is beyond me.

I'm not mean ENOUGH.  

Of course, i called my ex to let him know crazy was losing it again (she's done worse to his other friends).

I engaged. With full knowledge that i shouldn't.  Because me having any contact with him is usually me standing in a shit pile afterward. 

But during that engagement i heard the words i always, obviously, knew to be true.  He left me FOR her.  And now he regrets it.  He said it outright, not coded, not covering his ass, or skirting the issue.  He told me he chose a piece of shit over 13 years with me.  Because that is just how little i meant to him. 

AFTER his life blew up he had regrets.  Because he gave up a good woman.  NOT because he gave ME up.  

Didn't phase me in the least at the time of hearing it. It was just a very simple and direct confirmation of what i already know.     But last night.......on repeat in my thoughts.  Is Mr. Cigar going to cut me loose?  Is his withdrawal a sign of being busy and tired, or is it a lack of appreciating me, or wanting me in his life?

I was actually too consumed with the fact that Mr. Cigar was actually coming with me to a party given by my bestie.  I didn't care about any  thing in the past.  I was looking toward the future.

and then i found out that Mr. Cigar is still in contact with his recent ex.  Which he doesn't think is an problem because he's not ever going back.  HOWEVER, he doesn't think i should be in contact with my ex, where there is a proven track record of 8 YEARS of never going back.  Thats a wee bit contradictory, to think i'm strange yet he's doing it with a recent ex.

Not thrilled.

He was fun at the graduation party, social and everything i knew he would be.  I was proud to be with this man.  I was comfortable, not on high alert for too much drinking or too much this or that or the other thing.  I loved being with him.

But if i'm being honest, i don't get that feeling from him.  I don't feel any affection from him. He's not a toucher- unless its during intimacy, but he doesn't melt into my touch either.  He's kind of like a stone under my hands.  Like he can take it or leave it.  Which, i've noticed in myself, i've been leaving.  

And last night, as i drove home by myself after dropping Mr. Cigar off- because he made it clear our night was over "he had shooting in the morning"......the thing he loves and makes time for in his busy life..something that i already know.....men make time for what they want to do.  And as much as i am into this man, he's not sending me the signals that he returns those feelings.  Which means I am once again the expendable woman......the one that will be walked out on when he finds the one he really wants.

This is what kept me up all night, whether its true or not.  Maybe talking to my ex set me up as a reminder, brought my trust issues forward, fucked my head up.  Or maybe i'm reading the withdrawal accurately.  Mr. Cigar went with me because he said he would, he told me he almost backed out "but couldn't do that to me"...............What the fuck?  I told him i almost called him my "boyfriend" but backed off of it  and when i glanced at him in the passenger seat he was shaking his head "no".  

I am falling for this man, but i'm not the same desperate bitch i used to be.  If he's not smart enough to lock it down with me, if he thinks he's gonna find better somewhere else, if he can't see or doesn't FEEL the same way about me...........that can't be fixed.  His loss.  I'm over the ambiguous, keep an adoring woman around because it feels good man.  

This man doesn't feel like he's in it with me.  And i've had enough experience to know he'll regret it once he loses me.  And it will be too late.

I am 58.  I want to know what it is like to be loved, to be safe and to be wanted and respected.  I don't want anything, won't accept anything, less than that.