I took a look at my life last night and realized how full it is......how good it really is.
Even with the whole bullshit process of getting my mortgage (the only time it's NOT fun being a single woman) I have zero complaints about my life. The only real stress i have is good stress. I keep looking forward to events and plans that I seem to be making on a daily basis....my life has literally transformed, expanded.
What finally happened in October 2016 was probably the best thing to ever happen to me in the past decade. I had given up on going any further in my life - of wanting more from myself. The weight gain was the outside appearance of what was going on on the inside. I was unhappy, dissatisfied, under-stimulated. I needed more, and I needed to be booted to see it.
My ex is a father now. It's kind of crazy, that he always wanted his freedom and no responsibilities and now he has the most locked down position in life (next to being a mother) IF you are doing it right. Kids come first. Life changes. Not worse, but certainly different. The love that fills your heart for your child cannot be compared to any other love. It is pure and beautiful - until they start fighting you - but thats a different time of life. I wish both parents the very best - that this experience will draw them close so their child will have two happy parents who love each other. Because that is probably the greatest gift you can give a child. Not the material things, but a life filled with love.
Its hard to be bitter when there is a new life in the picture. I don't have it in me. Babies are miracles, life created by two people. THAT is magic. It makes me remember when my own children were born, I can still see both their faces at birth - clear as day like it happened an hour ago. I can still feel the weight of each of their tiny bodies being placed on my chest while their father cut the cord. Listening for their Apgar score when the nurse took them across the room - hearing their surprisingly loud crying coming from such tiny lungs......... Yes, all the memories flooded back like yesterday. Only 18 months apart, my children came into the world with a loud cry and tiny clenched fists flying.
They are kinda still the same........now that i'm thinking about it.
Now they are grown ups, living on their own with their own spouses. My daughter will be married next year. Maybe she will make me a grandmother soon, or maybe my son will. I'm afraid for them because i know it's a different world, I know it will not be easy. Not that raising THEM was easy either but ..........I sound like an old person. Each generation has it's battles to fight. But so many times i hear myself saying "i'm so glad i don't have to raise children during this time". Yet i do still wish for a little one to spoil rotten. I can't wait to be the grandmother that cuddles and makes forts in the living room when they come over..the kind of grandmother that makes cookies with them - but also takes them to scary movies that their parents will be pissed i allowed them to see...... See, i don't want to be one or the other, cool or cuddly, I'm gonna be both.
Okay enough thinking about babies for a while.
Even with the whole bullshit process of getting my mortgage (the only time it's NOT fun being a single woman) I have zero complaints about my life. The only real stress i have is good stress. I keep looking forward to events and plans that I seem to be making on a daily basis....my life has literally transformed, expanded.
What finally happened in October 2016 was probably the best thing to ever happen to me in the past decade. I had given up on going any further in my life - of wanting more from myself. The weight gain was the outside appearance of what was going on on the inside. I was unhappy, dissatisfied, under-stimulated. I needed more, and I needed to be booted to see it.
My ex is a father now. It's kind of crazy, that he always wanted his freedom and no responsibilities and now he has the most locked down position in life (next to being a mother) IF you are doing it right. Kids come first. Life changes. Not worse, but certainly different. The love that fills your heart for your child cannot be compared to any other love. It is pure and beautiful - until they start fighting you - but thats a different time of life. I wish both parents the very best - that this experience will draw them close so their child will have two happy parents who love each other. Because that is probably the greatest gift you can give a child. Not the material things, but a life filled with love.
Its hard to be bitter when there is a new life in the picture. I don't have it in me. Babies are miracles, life created by two people. THAT is magic. It makes me remember when my own children were born, I can still see both their faces at birth - clear as day like it happened an hour ago. I can still feel the weight of each of their tiny bodies being placed on my chest while their father cut the cord. Listening for their Apgar score when the nurse took them across the room - hearing their surprisingly loud crying coming from such tiny lungs......... Yes, all the memories flooded back like yesterday. Only 18 months apart, my children came into the world with a loud cry and tiny clenched fists flying.
They are kinda still the same........now that i'm thinking about it.
Now they are grown ups, living on their own with their own spouses. My daughter will be married next year. Maybe she will make me a grandmother soon, or maybe my son will. I'm afraid for them because i know it's a different world, I know it will not be easy. Not that raising THEM was easy either but ..........I sound like an old person. Each generation has it's battles to fight. But so many times i hear myself saying "i'm so glad i don't have to raise children during this time". Yet i do still wish for a little one to spoil rotten. I can't wait to be the grandmother that cuddles and makes forts in the living room when they come over..the kind of grandmother that makes cookies with them - but also takes them to scary movies that their parents will be pissed i allowed them to see...... See, i don't want to be one or the other, cool or cuddly, I'm gonna be both.
Okay enough thinking about babies for a while.
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