I've come to the realization that dating can actually be fun but it is still causing me to be panic ridden.
The thing is, once you've gone a few dates with someone - they kinda want more than just a nice talk.
And that's where i run.
I think i'm broken.
Or not ready?
Why the fuck not!? I'm a 49 year old woman, not a 16 year old virgin.
It's really easy to dislike or find some unacceptable fault in a date. Hey, don't judge, i know men do it and i just figured it would work well for me too. But at some point you have to ask yourself why. Why do I keep finding reasons NOT to continue seeing any of the very nice men i've met. Because there have been a few. Okay, one or two. There's a lot more jerks than there are nice guys i'm sorry to say.
Admitting that you enjoy someone's company makes them a friend. That's all that is. I don't bone my friends. Even when i've been drinking and can use that as an excuse. Wait i just lied. I specifically DID bone A (as in ONE) friend, repeatedly.......over a period of months. No regrets. Not at all. It was mutual, it was "negotiated".......hahahaha that sounds awful, but it truly was. No strings. No getting attached. Just good adult fun.
I recommend it to anyone going through a breakup. Well, if you are like me, i recommend it. It was safe and it was damn fun. Not complicated. And then, it was done. I honestly couldn't do it again and that's not a statement about HIM at all. He was wonderful and I'm forever grateful that i could get over that "hump" with someone I really like. It was just what I really needed at the time. I do believe he benefited as well........
I had always been curious about single girlfriends when they discussed their sexcapades.....I was a little jealous, and also grateful i didn't have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with sleeping with different men. Again, no judgement, just not for me. Maybe if i had to do it all over again and I knew then what i know now I would have dated more instead of getting so involved so young.
Anyways i remember a friend describing how she was literally picked up on an airplane. Random hot man sits next to her, they talk, exchange numbers - he calls her that night and ......well. It sounded like something out of a movie to me and I completely believe her. That wasn't her first pick up. I wished i had those balls. And then, I was really glad I didn't.
To own your sexuality means.....what? I happen to be straight so there's half the population off limits to me. I won't sleep with married men, or men who are in a relationship (don't we wish ALL women were like that?) so there goes that ......They would obviously need to be attracted to me as well so there goes those guys.......oh, age. They need to be my age or I feel a little like Mrs Robinson -
Been there. Done that. Gleefully taking those points and moving on now.......(I recommend trying that too, at least once, and within legalities) i don't want to worry about killing someone I'm sleeping with........so not too much older than me.
So as you see - i do have basic standards that narrow down the playing field dramatically. Generally i can call on any one of these criteria to eliminate a potential lover. And i do. Quickly and effectively.
The point in this particular blog is that while i seem to be on the hunt for my mate, i appear to be reluctant to actually be intimate. I feel broken. And that sucks because we're all adults here and what man is going to hang around waiting for me to be fixed. And will i ever be?
I'm told yes, that even though i feel strong and over the ex there's still a few more steps to re-claiming my life, to removing the bricks that i've neatly placed in the wall that Trump wishes he built. It makes me furious to find that a part of me that used to be quite open and enthusiastic has been walled away. I can't seem to reach her. But i know she's there.
I will be patient with myself and trust that in the right hands (ehem) any trepidation I might have will be swept away. I want my life back. All of it.
The thing is, once you've gone a few dates with someone - they kinda want more than just a nice talk.
And that's where i run.
I think i'm broken.
Or not ready?
Why the fuck not!? I'm a 49 year old woman, not a 16 year old virgin.
It's really easy to dislike or find some unacceptable fault in a date. Hey, don't judge, i know men do it and i just figured it would work well for me too. But at some point you have to ask yourself why. Why do I keep finding reasons NOT to continue seeing any of the very nice men i've met. Because there have been a few. Okay, one or two. There's a lot more jerks than there are nice guys i'm sorry to say.
Admitting that you enjoy someone's company makes them a friend. That's all that is. I don't bone my friends. Even when i've been drinking and can use that as an excuse. Wait i just lied. I specifically DID bone A (as in ONE) friend, repeatedly.......over a period of months. No regrets. Not at all. It was mutual, it was "negotiated".......hahahaha that sounds awful, but it truly was. No strings. No getting attached. Just good adult fun.
I recommend it to anyone going through a breakup. Well, if you are like me, i recommend it. It was safe and it was damn fun. Not complicated. And then, it was done. I honestly couldn't do it again and that's not a statement about HIM at all. He was wonderful and I'm forever grateful that i could get over that "hump" with someone I really like. It was just what I really needed at the time. I do believe he benefited as well........
I had always been curious about single girlfriends when they discussed their sexcapades.....I was a little jealous, and also grateful i didn't have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with sleeping with different men. Again, no judgement, just not for me. Maybe if i had to do it all over again and I knew then what i know now I would have dated more instead of getting so involved so young.
Anyways i remember a friend describing how she was literally picked up on an airplane. Random hot man sits next to her, they talk, exchange numbers - he calls her that night and ......well. It sounded like something out of a movie to me and I completely believe her. That wasn't her first pick up. I wished i had those balls. And then, I was really glad I didn't.
To own your sexuality means.....what? I happen to be straight so there's half the population off limits to me. I won't sleep with married men, or men who are in a relationship (don't we wish ALL women were like that?) so there goes that ......They would obviously need to be attracted to me as well so there goes those guys.......oh, age. They need to be my age or I feel a little like Mrs Robinson -
Been there. Done that. Gleefully taking those points and moving on now.......(I recommend trying that too, at least once, and within legalities) i don't want to worry about killing someone I'm sleeping with........so not too much older than me.
So as you see - i do have basic standards that narrow down the playing field dramatically. Generally i can call on any one of these criteria to eliminate a potential lover. And i do. Quickly and effectively.
The point in this particular blog is that while i seem to be on the hunt for my mate, i appear to be reluctant to actually be intimate. I feel broken. And that sucks because we're all adults here and what man is going to hang around waiting for me to be fixed. And will i ever be?
I'm told yes, that even though i feel strong and over the ex there's still a few more steps to re-claiming my life, to removing the bricks that i've neatly placed in the wall that Trump wishes he built. It makes me furious to find that a part of me that used to be quite open and enthusiastic has been walled away. I can't seem to reach her. But i know she's there.
I will be patient with myself and trust that in the right hands (ehem) any trepidation I might have will be swept away. I want my life back. All of it.
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