I always believed that in order to show your spouse that you love him, you put him and his needs before your own.
Now, that sounds as bad as it looks in print.
But listen, i'm not that lame - because i ALSO believed that HE was to put my needs before his own. A give and take, a compromise...you know, love.
Where did i get this notion from? Books? Movies? I certainly never saw it in action. Ever. There is always someone who holds the upper hand in my experience, someone who cares less, has less to lose, more to gain....yikes, that sounds jaded. But am i wrong? I don't think so.
The other day magical words poured out of my mouth while talking to my bestie... "I will never again lose myself in a mans life and give up my own, or put it second. I don't NEED a man to have a life. We are supposed to mesh our lives and still have our own at the same time."
Common sense maybe. It's embarrassing to realize that I basically folded myself in and around the life of the man I was with at the time. I never pursued my own life outside of THEIR schedules, or their needs. If he went out ever Tuesday, I could take a class on Tuesday nights....If he wanted me to buy the tailored, fitted jacket - even though i wanted the leather bomber, i'd buy the fucking old lady coat. He liked it on me. That's what mattered to me.
With all this time to myself over the past 9 months, with time to stop living in shock and disbelief and heartache...etc. etc. I've come to see that I actually want to do quite a damn bit aside from reading, watching tv or staring at a blank wall daydreaming. I want to do. I do, do! I do whatever the hell i want, when and how i want - only within the confines of $$$.
I eat sushi.
I go to the beach at night.
I go for get lost rides by myself.
I don't rush home.
I go see bands by myself if no one else can go with me.
I eat in a restaurant by myself if i want, without a book
I shave my legs and other girly things BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
I buy cute/sexy underwear FOR MYSELF and wear them depending on HOW I FEEL
I dress the way i like and don't worry what someone else thinks
I read books about empowered women - and men
I date. I talk to men I wouldn't normally. Drop dead gorgeous "out of my league" men, men a lot shorter than I.......men. Period. I'm not trying to impress them, I'm not looking for their approval or appreciation. I don't need them to want or like me. I'm just being the me that I am finding - a smart ass, a laugher, smiler, flirter.....Someone who has experienced the pain of losing and has chosen to be happy.
Lessons i have learned thus far where men are concerned: Let them figure it out. Don't try to help fix anything in their life. Don't accept less than what i deserve. I know what i have to offer - strength, passion, loyalty and the ability to see the bright side in everything. I'm not selfish, materialistic..........and i'm in no hurry to lock myself down to any one man in the immediate future.
Dating kinda IS fun once you get over the idea that everyone has to like you or you are a loser. I'm not meant for everyone because i have finally found MYSELF and refuse to mutate to what someone else wants or expects.
Welcome to Me. It's been a long time coming. It's going to take a lot of practice and i fully expect the impulse to fall into old patterns....which is why i'm writing so much about it here in this blog. Who better to kick my ass when i'm slipping, than myself?
Now, that sounds as bad as it looks in print.
But listen, i'm not that lame - because i ALSO believed that HE was to put my needs before his own. A give and take, a compromise...you know, love.
Where did i get this notion from? Books? Movies? I certainly never saw it in action. Ever. There is always someone who holds the upper hand in my experience, someone who cares less, has less to lose, more to gain....yikes, that sounds jaded. But am i wrong? I don't think so.
The other day magical words poured out of my mouth while talking to my bestie... "I will never again lose myself in a mans life and give up my own, or put it second. I don't NEED a man to have a life. We are supposed to mesh our lives and still have our own at the same time."
Common sense maybe. It's embarrassing to realize that I basically folded myself in and around the life of the man I was with at the time. I never pursued my own life outside of THEIR schedules, or their needs. If he went out ever Tuesday, I could take a class on Tuesday nights....If he wanted me to buy the tailored, fitted jacket - even though i wanted the leather bomber, i'd buy the fucking old lady coat. He liked it on me. That's what mattered to me.
With all this time to myself over the past 9 months, with time to stop living in shock and disbelief and heartache...etc. etc. I've come to see that I actually want to do quite a damn bit aside from reading, watching tv or staring at a blank wall daydreaming. I want to do. I do, do! I do whatever the hell i want, when and how i want - only within the confines of $$$.
I eat sushi.
I go to the beach at night.
I go for get lost rides by myself.
I don't rush home.
I go see bands by myself if no one else can go with me.
I eat in a restaurant by myself if i want, without a book
I shave my legs and other girly things BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
I buy cute/sexy underwear FOR MYSELF and wear them depending on HOW I FEEL
I dress the way i like and don't worry what someone else thinks
I read books about empowered women - and men
I date. I talk to men I wouldn't normally. Drop dead gorgeous "out of my league" men, men a lot shorter than I.......men. Period. I'm not trying to impress them, I'm not looking for their approval or appreciation. I don't need them to want or like me. I'm just being the me that I am finding - a smart ass, a laugher, smiler, flirter.....Someone who has experienced the pain of losing and has chosen to be happy.
Lessons i have learned thus far where men are concerned: Let them figure it out. Don't try to help fix anything in their life. Don't accept less than what i deserve. I know what i have to offer - strength, passion, loyalty and the ability to see the bright side in everything. I'm not selfish, materialistic..........and i'm in no hurry to lock myself down to any one man in the immediate future.
Dating kinda IS fun once you get over the idea that everyone has to like you or you are a loser. I'm not meant for everyone because i have finally found MYSELF and refuse to mutate to what someone else wants or expects.
Welcome to Me. It's been a long time coming. It's going to take a lot of practice and i fully expect the impulse to fall into old patterns....which is why i'm writing so much about it here in this blog. Who better to kick my ass when i'm slipping, than myself?
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