I totally stole this

If your ex did drugs, video-gamed, cheated, drank, smoked, spent a lot of $$ on material things or gambled.. your ex was a self-gratifier.

Now just what the darn heck is self-gratification?

It's the behavior of individuals who cannot sit with an uncomfortable feeling before they leap onto the next thing that makes them IMMEDIATELY feel good.

Uncomfortable feeling = rejection, invalidation, being unable to get what they want, taking responsibility for what they did, sadness, etc.

Self-gratifiers are on a spectrum, there's a little bit in all of us. But the worse of the lot result in pretty shitty boyfriends/husbands (or girlfriends) who really do a number on you.

They tend to jump onto things and tend to get really intense or excited about things till it all blows apart and they jump onto the next best thing that gratifies them.

And yes, that also means that they use something (or someone) till it doesn't benefit them any longer.

As in, once you confront them with the bad stuff that they did... ZIP.. they are gone... off somewhere with their friends.. back into their video gaming room... or out smoking.

The REALLY annoying thing about self-gratifiers is their pseudo confidence. Once they want something, they get it.
And that makes them very attractive to you. The chemistry. The intensity. The confidence.

What it really is - an inability to deal with emotions that make them feel bad. An inability to be REAL with themselves and look, really look, at the damage they've caused.

The worst of self-gratifiers tend to lack empathy for the victim.. they avoid it, because feeling something for the victim makes them feel bad, and they don't like to feel bad.
And I know that some of you might be looking at this and going: "OMG.. am I a self-gratifier?"

No. The fact that you're in this group proves that your key identity is not that of a self-gratifier. You might have self-gratifying tendencies, but you are, at your core, not a self-gratifier.

Understanding self-gratifiers and what this behavior truly is can help you relook at your relationship with your ex, and in a way, pity them.

Because relationships are about self-growth and being vulnerable. You cannot be jumping into things all the time if you want a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship.

So rethink your relationship. Were you that worthless, or were you just a victim of the self-gratifier?


~Cherlyn Chong~