Yes. I am smiling, still. Why? Because i'm enjoying the feeling of being happy. I'm enjoying it for as long as it lasts, and then i'm going to do it all over again.
This weekend was packed full to the gills with activity for me. I say, for me, because i don't usually plan several things to do on each day because i like my down time. Need my down time. I even had to cancel plans and not accept invites.......that's always the way though, isn't it? Weekends with nothing to do and then all of a sudden everything happens on the SAME weekend. If that's as bad as it gets, i'm living a good life.
Saturday was spent in my old "hood" at an 8th of July picnic. It felt really strange to pull into my childhood neighborhood and go to the house that i practically grew up in, and to see my old home just up the street. Memories.....and yes, i did feel like I was a kid again for a minute there. It's all changed of course, and still so much the same. The people though, people i've known for just about my entire life, they've grown up - but some things NEVER change. I sat on the same deck we used to run across, being teased by the same friends. I love them all so much. They have no idea what it means to me. The world.
It was like coming full circle back to me. If that makes any sense at all. Anyone who doesn't want to meet these people, and love them as much as i do.........isn't for me. I'm lucky enough to have a fresh start and a new beginning, I won't make the same mistakes. I will never leave myself behind again. Anyone who truly loves me wouldn't want me to.
I left with a full belly and a full soul. On to the next part of the day, a movie date.
We met for drinks beforehand and never actually made it to the movie. It's so nice to meet someone who tells me about himself and asks about me as well. The conversation was non-stop, no weird uncomfortable pauses......just natural and fun. SO much fun. Just talking, can you imagine? We closed the restaurant and we still weren't ready for the night to be over so we went to a bar and sat outside, on the water, on a beautiful night. We closed that bar as well. I think i could have talked and laughed for another couple of hours.
I think this is how dating is supposed to feel? Not like dread in the pit of my stomach, not like feeling forced into being interesting, not like feeling I have to be polite and not ditch, or that the man on the other side of the table has absolutely no clue who i am after hours of HIM talking about himself.
All dates should be like this one was.
I started the day with my therapist - and i'm wondering if our conversation set me up to be in a good place. We discussed my need for intensity, my being drawn to fire and eventually getting burned by it. In the past I have jumped too deeply and too fast into relationships that were extremely intense throughout, and not in a positive way. My ex and I together were drama from the start. It was the drama that kept us together. As soon as I stopped fighting with him about his never being home, stopped questioning his showering every time he came home, stopped asking him to wake me when he did come home, stopped making my plans that required his presence, stopped living my life with him basically- it was over. Any time we were together it was upset, and drama. We stayed together as long as we fought. When i stopped fighting, it was over. That was our relationship.
Looking back I believe it was his need for drama, and my need to be needed that kept us together as long as were. He would say different but that man never did anything to avoid a fight. And i don't have to fight anymore. With anyone. I haven't in 8 months and i don't see it in my future.
Go slow, don't loose your head. That's what i'm learning. Enjoy every situation for what it is and don't project what it might become. Don't rush. Relax. Savor each moment, each person. Live.
This weekend was packed full to the gills with activity for me. I say, for me, because i don't usually plan several things to do on each day because i like my down time. Need my down time. I even had to cancel plans and not accept invites.......that's always the way though, isn't it? Weekends with nothing to do and then all of a sudden everything happens on the SAME weekend. If that's as bad as it gets, i'm living a good life.
Saturday was spent in my old "hood" at an 8th of July picnic. It felt really strange to pull into my childhood neighborhood and go to the house that i practically grew up in, and to see my old home just up the street. Memories.....and yes, i did feel like I was a kid again for a minute there. It's all changed of course, and still so much the same. The people though, people i've known for just about my entire life, they've grown up - but some things NEVER change. I sat on the same deck we used to run across, being teased by the same friends. I love them all so much. They have no idea what it means to me. The world.
It was like coming full circle back to me. If that makes any sense at all. Anyone who doesn't want to meet these people, and love them as much as i do.........isn't for me. I'm lucky enough to have a fresh start and a new beginning, I won't make the same mistakes. I will never leave myself behind again. Anyone who truly loves me wouldn't want me to.
I left with a full belly and a full soul. On to the next part of the day, a movie date.
We met for drinks beforehand and never actually made it to the movie. It's so nice to meet someone who tells me about himself and asks about me as well. The conversation was non-stop, no weird uncomfortable pauses......just natural and fun. SO much fun. Just talking, can you imagine? We closed the restaurant and we still weren't ready for the night to be over so we went to a bar and sat outside, on the water, on a beautiful night. We closed that bar as well. I think i could have talked and laughed for another couple of hours.
I think this is how dating is supposed to feel? Not like dread in the pit of my stomach, not like feeling forced into being interesting, not like feeling I have to be polite and not ditch, or that the man on the other side of the table has absolutely no clue who i am after hours of HIM talking about himself.
All dates should be like this one was.
I started the day with my therapist - and i'm wondering if our conversation set me up to be in a good place. We discussed my need for intensity, my being drawn to fire and eventually getting burned by it. In the past I have jumped too deeply and too fast into relationships that were extremely intense throughout, and not in a positive way. My ex and I together were drama from the start. It was the drama that kept us together. As soon as I stopped fighting with him about his never being home, stopped questioning his showering every time he came home, stopped asking him to wake me when he did come home, stopped making my plans that required his presence, stopped living my life with him basically- it was over. Any time we were together it was upset, and drama. We stayed together as long as we fought. When i stopped fighting, it was over. That was our relationship.
Looking back I believe it was his need for drama, and my need to be needed that kept us together as long as were. He would say different but that man never did anything to avoid a fight. And i don't have to fight anymore. With anyone. I haven't in 8 months and i don't see it in my future.
Go slow, don't loose your head. That's what i'm learning. Enjoy every situation for what it is and don't project what it might become. Don't rush. Relax. Savor each moment, each person. Live.
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