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i won't do this

 Here is that feeling.  The one where I want to cut and run.  Just STOP.  Almost (exactly) like panic.

Tonight we have a video call date, which I instigated.  Because I like to set myself up for failure, I like to ruin a good thing.  

It's the catfish thing, and the fact that just because my face can be pretty doesn't mean everyone is attracted to me.  I am plus sized.  More bang for your buck, more cushion for the pushing....and all those other things that may or may not be true.  The kind of woman that is good enough to sleep with, but you don't introduce her to your friends, take her out in public where people may know you, etc.

I've been hurt.  big deal.

Before I keep enjoying our conversations or start looking forward to them, I need him to see what I am and I need to see what he is.  He is concerned that he will look worn out at the end of a work day....I wish that was my concern.

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not down on myself.  Men I am attracted to don't prefer a fluffy gal.  So lets nip this in the bud.  Lets not have need for a band-aid to be ripped of in the future.

I feel sick.

I'm not going to allow myself to self-sabotage this time.  I'm going to relax, be myself and see what he is all about.  If he continues to call, and reach out I will not think it's because he wants to use me until someone better comes along.

Distance is more of a factor than anything else.  It's not personal.  

Breathe. 

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