Skip to main content

If I only knew why

 This morning, as I drove to work, I was contemplating how much longer this back-and-forth conversation with the IOWA man should continue.  Eventually he is going to want to meet, the hints have already begun, and even if he turned out to be Mr. wonderful, how is that going to work?

Why do I get this panic feeling in my chest and why does it replace the feeling of curiosity?  I can literally feel myself shut down - like I'm watching it happen to someone else.  And then, no matter how reasonable, or how much sense the opposite is - I'm done.  I can try to analyze, or prevent, but I'm talking to a brick wall.

I don't know WHY,

I thought for a long time (8 years to be exact) that I'm just broken and will never have that burning desire to be with anyone again.  Then I met Tattoo man and I was completely out of control.  My hands couldn't stop touching him, I couldn't stop smiling when thinking of seeing him, I never wanted to leave him and couldn't wait to see him again.........

That has happened to me ONCE before, with my ex bf.  As a matter of fact, my ex husband used to complain that I never touched him......

I've gone on a lot of dates.  I've even seen a few men for a couple of months.  NEVER have I missed their presence when they weren't with me.  Never have I been content to just lay beside them as they slept and read.  I've always wanted to go home, or have them get out of mine.  

Yet, my ex bf and Mr. Tattoo had me wrapped around their pinky.  Why?  It wasn't the sex.  I've had great sex with others and haven't lost my mind over them.  They look nothing alike.  They sound nothing alike.  They ARE nothing alike aside from the need to get very high very often.  (Which I enjoyed with one and not the other).........They are two completely different men with different lives and yet they are the only two men who have made me overlook red flags and feel as if my life was better with them.

I wasn't looking for either when I found them.

I was blindsided by both NOT wanting me so much they cut me off.

Is it the recognition that they are damaged like I am?  Is that the catnip for me?  Because I've cut men off with very little explanation the same way they cut me off.  I try not to.  I just don't care.

Like they didn't care.  So maybe that makes them safe?  

I'm really trying to figure out why I lose interest in men who are interested in me.

When can I give up completely and just accept that I am single, and I'm going to die alone.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let's talk about Mr. Racecar

 I admit it.  I am a little bit excited about meeting Mr. Racecar.   He's younger- 53 He's taller, and bigger than me He has tats, bald head and long beard He builds cars/trucks and drag races - own his shop which is attached to his home.  ONE is a Camaro.  It sounds NASTY. He lives an hour away Now......here's what happens in my head:  What the hell could this man possibly see in me?  Why would he want to meet me?  He- owns a Harley but hasn't ridden it in a few years due to a car accident that left him unable to walk again until recently. He is a typical male in that some of his talk tries to lead me down the "lets talk about sex, baby, lets talk about you and me" side of things, which I have successfully diverted without him losing interest. I'm looking to date, to find the man I want to have a relationship with, not a situationship. And then I had to explain what a situationship is because he has only just started dating again, and he is ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Secrets

 Yesterday I found myself telling someone something about my life that I had not planned on sharing.  We don't really talk too much about our past relationships.  We aren't there yet and i don't know that it's really important.  It's not a race to the finish line.  There is time.   This was just the natural time to share the information. I have very few regrets in my life, some things i may have done differently, but even so, without regret.  Everything has brought me to who i am today.  This got me thinking of how much I've changed, that i would not even put the energy into defending anything I've done because i don't have to, and because i don't want to, or need to.  This also brought to mind how often judgement used to rule my world, and how I felt about myself. I married very young, to my high school boyfriend.  For many reasons, all i ever wanted (in my wisdom of 21 years) was to get married, have babies, and live happily ever ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »