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Force yourself to be happy

 If you were to ask me what I want to do when i'm not working, it's be home.  By myself.  I clean, I putz around, rearrange furniture, watch TV, craft a bit, read, talk to my pets........and most recently I do this after eating a few gummies.  It makes for a very uneventful, peaceful, restful, drama free weekend.

It can also happen too often.  Before long I realize I'm not really enjoying the peace and quiet as much as hiding in it.  A little goes a long way.  Too much will slam me into depression.

Doing anything too much isn't healthy.  Talking to a man that lives halfway across the country isn't smart.  There's literally no point.  And of course, now instead of knowing someone in IOWA that I can chat with occasionally, there are hurt feelings.  See if this makes sense.  He has a life firmly planted where he is.  I have a job that will keep me here for another 9 years.  I'm not leaving my job.  He's not leaving his life.  Why even start?  The last thing I want to do is spend what little time off I have in airports spending too much money on flights and being taken away from my home to see someone I barely know, OR have HIM be at my place the entire time he's here.

I want my space, yes.  But that's a LOT of space and too much concentrated time when we are together. So sorry about the hurt feelings.  I told him long distance wasn't for me.  Several times.  Lost another friend. I need to stick to the traditional dating that allows me to see a man occasionally for a few hours so we can get to know each other over time.  This instant relationship bullshit makes me want to become a nun.

Okay.  Well.  Now I'm the one ghosting and I get it.  

Went to an 80's heavy metal event this weekend.  One of my close friends brother is one of the bands that played.  I invited a few of my friends that love to go see live music, especially 80's music.  I had a blast, smiled and head nodded all night long with a bunch of other 80's metal lovers.  These weren't cover bands, that made it even better.  

In a way, I wish I could go back to that time and enjoy it more.  I would have had so much more self confidence.  I would have done so much more than get involved with a stupid boy. I would have had FUN.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

The holidays are coming up.  I have great plans with my family that I'm looking forward to.  I have gatherings with friends planned.  I am going to spend time at the Elks making friends and getting out of the house.  I'm going to go have some mother fucking FUN.


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