This though

 Today i walked a mile on the Blue Trail. I've never been before and i can't tell you what it looked like because all i did was look down and try to keep up.

I went to dinner at my son's in laws for Easter.  My body was killing me from yesterday mornings work out in my living room where i probably pulled every muscle in my body.  I stayed a few hours and then looking forward to a butt load of traffic on the way home - headed out.

I must have timed it perfectly because i got home in record time.  I knew i still had several hours of light so i thought I should go for a walk on the Farmington Canal.....that probably there wouldn't be any bears.  I asked Mr. Cigar if he wanted to come and he told me "come here and walk the trails" 

Now.....my idea of walking on trails is to mosey along and look at stuff.  Enjoy nature.  Breathe.

HIS idea was to try and kill me.

He walked ahead of me.....way ahead of me, at a steady pace and i thought i was going to die trying to keep up with him.  I couldn't.  And he did it on purpose.  I walked a trail at a fast (for me) clip like my life depended on it.......which, it may have.  I'm not entirely sure he wouldn't have left me out there to figure it out.

I kept telling myself, this is too fast, i'm going to get hurt, i'm going to fall down, pain, i can't breathe, i'm gonna literally die ..........and it didn't matter because i had to keep going so i didn't lose him.  i'd say about half way through he waited for me, and told me to stop looking down at my feet and to look ahead of myself and just walk,  Don't think, just go.  And i had every excuse ready to come out of my face but he was already off.....and i followed.  And i hated him a little bit.

more that a little bit.

I swore he was purposely not allowing me to catch up, because i am hella slow.  All of a sudden i thought......i'm gonna catch up to that bastard if it kills me.  And i picked up speed and promptly fell on my face.  Then i jumped up before he could turn around and see me on the ground and thought I WILL DO THIS without dying.

And i huffed, and puffed and told myself to keep going, just keep going.  You got this.  You can do this.  

Until we hit the hill we had initally come down and i realized i had to go up that fucker.  He was egging me on, not encouraging me, he was egging me .....told me i didn't need to hold on to trees, JUST WALK..and i started to panic.  He said "get out of your head" and kept right on walking.  Understand....he was way ahead of me.  I got about half way and started to get dizzy, then stumbled.  He was at the top and said, "don't stop, don't sit down.  It will be harder if you stop, keep going"......and then i couldn't see him anymore.  I took another step, and sat down on the ground and cried like a baby.  My body was shaking, i was drenched in sweat, i couldn't breathe and wasn't going to make it up the goddamned hill.

THIS fucking SUCKS  HE's such a DICK.

Then a voice in my head.........get the fuck up and do this right NOW.  I stopped my mental breakdown crybaby sit and panic episode .............stood up.........and started again.

He was right.  It was harder.

So i went slow and steady.  I didn't try to catch up.  I just put one foot in front of the other and focused on just doing it.

And the thing is............I did.

He beat my ass, of course.  He stood at the edge of the trail where we had parked, telling me i was almost there.  That it was almost over.  Come on.  you got this.

And.......i did.

I may have cried.......temper tantrum? release?  whatever you want to call it..........i made the choice to keep doing it.  

I have NEVER been a physical person.  I fall down for no reason.  My whole life ive been told i'm a clutz.  

He told me everyone he walks with on that trail falls down at least once.  

He said it's not easy, that trail walking will strengthen my ankles and that walking on pavement is good for endurance and cardio, but trail walking is a workout.

I love that he EXPECTED i could do it when so many people before him, men, never had any belief that i could.  That i have never had that belief myself.

That i could do better than what i thought i could.  

Will i do it again?  Yes.  Will i do it at that pace?  Probably not by myself.  But i will be conscious that i must sweat, i must breath hard, i must be UNCOMFORTABLE and I must not be afraid to fall.  I will do this trail by myself and with him until i can do it without challenge.  Like he did.......he just WALKED and smoked a CIGAR while he did it.  

I may fall in love with this prick.