But, but

 I'm not poor.  I'm far from rich.  I make enough to get by relatively comfortably without any extravagant purchases.  

My apartment is large, in a nice area, and my upstairs neighbor is considerate in how often  he stomps around.  I hear him up there, but it's rarely disruptive.  It's almost a comfort.  

My home is me.  Nothing matches, a little bit of everything, and mostly put together for sheer comfort.  No one is going to be impressed, but they will feel cozy and welcome.  

My car gets me to where i want to go.  It was beautiful, to me, but a man i dated did some damage and now ....it's mine.  It's still perfect for me and my needs.

My clothing- eclectic in multiple sizes.  My daughter says i wear clothing that is too big for me and it makes me look bigger.  There was a time i cared about that.  NOW, i just want to express myself, my mood, and be comfortable.  Gone are the heels that landed me on the ground too many times...if pretty shoes don't feel good they get donated, or tossed.  My size changes, and so does my mood.  I have clothing for ALL the occassions.

My physical self has been through as many transitions as my mental self.  I'm a living organism so i would expect no less.  Every day i learn to love myself a little bit more for all my quirks and imperfections.  I love hard.  My children, my grandchild, my friends.....I love with my whole being.  I love that, about myself.

I have little to no filter.  I do at work, because, they pay me to be professional......but outside of work?  why?  I only represent myself and i do it in a genuine and real way.  I don't have time to manipulate or deceive.  I don't find it entertaining.  Basically, it's too hard to be anyone but who i am and i'm lazy.

My growth comes in knowledge, not power.  My interests come to me on air- and many times are just as fleeting.  SQUIRREL!! 

which reminds me, i still haven't bought peanuts for my squirrel buddy.  

I have moods.  Some aren't pretty and i know enough to keep to myself when they arrive.  People close to me have grown to understand it's not THEM, it's ME and leaving me alone for a bit is the best choice.  I get dark.  I can't get out of my head.  

Usually its a man suggesting i'm being negative.

I think a lot.  My brain is the only muscle used appropriately.  

Introspective is the word.  Selfish is another.  

I'm having to talk myself off the ledge in this new whatever it is........relationship?  It's not a friendship, it's not a partnership.  It's.....we talk to each other several times a day and sometimes see each other and sometimes exchange a few kisses that get immediately cut off before it gets anywhere.  

We aren't kids.  LOL  We are adults.  LMAO  We can do whatever we want. LMFAO

True, true, true.

What i want, at this grand age of 57 is to keep some self respect and not get used as a passtime until the real one comes along.

What i want, as an adult is to make mature decisions that benefit my physical and mental health. 

What i want, is to make clear, my intention is for a relationship, not a fuck buddy and withholding my body is a way to bring that point home.  

Not just anyone gets access to ANYTHING about me anymore.  I've learned.

That's my free writing for today - cleared my palate.  I'm ready to go.  Lets do this.