closure

I cried a lot last night, was up until 3am because i did the one thing i said i wouldn't do again.  I let that door open.  Not wide, but enough that there was some scab pulling going on.  I was able to say my piece, speak my heart and find solace in knowing that I am worth missing, that there is regret.  It must be my ego that is still so bruised because as soon as the sentiment was shared I felt like it was all really done.  That I was in fact, not treated fairly and that everything i was told i was crazy over was in fact happening.  I think it takes courage to admit that, and I appreciated it.  

I did not fall into any of the old patterns that usually slip on so easily with someone you've spent such a long time with.  I did not get angry, I did not poke, i did not say anything I didn't think about first.  I protected myself.  The person once had the role of protecting my back and i wouldn't fall for that again.  You get one shot with me.

Trust and loyalty are so important to me.  I have always been honest, even when it SUCKED having to be.  But my truth is who i am, so why would i say anything, or be anything else?  Maybe i lose people, or maybe i'm not well liked by all.  That's okay, i'm not meant to be.  No one is.  If i can't be completely honest about who i am with my partner....why have a partner?  I can't expect any less.  I won't.  We don't have to agree on everything, we don't have to like everything or love everything about each other.  We just have to have respect, and the ability to appreciate that we have chosen each other over all others.  Am i crazy? Because i seem to get told that by anyone who can't measure up.  

I got what i needed.  I'm lucky, i think, because so many people in my situation never do.  It's so frustrating when you KNOW what happened and the other person continues to lie and disrespect you.  I feel like now i can give up the space he's been holding.  That there is no box in the back of the closet waiting to be re-opened and poured over ever again.  It's done.  

So maybe, i am polly anna.  Whats the equivalent in a male?  Because that's who i'm holding out for.  In the meantime i think i'll buy a roof and maybe start planning that trip to Ireland i've been thinking about taking for half my life.  Or maybe i'll read another book.  Or lie and stare at the wall while my mind wanders.........Or any damn thing i want.