Skip to main content

Day by day

 Any time i have a free moment i miss him.  I'm realizing how i only obsess over men who don't return my affection, or who seem to be able to forget about me and move on like i never mattered.

But thats not all of it.  

It's okay though.  I just need to sit in discomfort for a few moments several thousand times a day, during the evening its the worst.  When i wish he would say goodnight.....because then i would know he was thinking about me too.

But even if he is, it doesn't matter.  The way all of this happened, no matter the reason or who was wrong or right.......it's not going to work.  Not now.  Maybe not ever.

When we keep reaching out to each other it's because neither one of us can stand the discomfort of going without the others attention.  But if we truly loved each other we wouldn't be playing these dumb games.  It's just both of us looking for attention.

I do miss that attention, but not the chaos that comes with it.  

So this weekend a little bike ride and a drink with Saybrook Man to clear my mind and get out of the house and on to two wheels.  He's a safe rider and i've made it clear i'm not interested in dating him.  I asked my ex repeatedly to go for a ride and that never happened.  Now he doesn't answer my text at all, because he doesn't want to or his phone is turned off?  Doesn't matter.  Probably not a great idea anyways.

Mr. Tattoo came to mind yesterday and i realized i haven't thought of him in a pretty long while.  Which made me realize that the reason for that is because NOW i'm obsessing over Mr. Cigar, again.  SMH.  Yes, that is a problem and maybe identifying it will help me stop the behavior.

Obsession isn't love.

Potential doesn't make a healthy relationship.

Chaos isn't peace.

I'm getting there. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Probably wierd and maybe alterier motives

 Me being in daily contact with Mary is probably weird.  I've asked myself multiple times, "why"?  At first the only thing we had in common was Mr. Cigar, and you know what they say "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"  Is that what this is?  I don't want him.  She doesn't want him - won't go into what i know, but i know she is not available to him even though she lives there still.  Not my business to share, but the situation isn't good for either one but he asked for it.   She reaches out more than i do, but i engage with her daily, as i said.  We vent, we talk about future plans, things we want to do, and pretty much support each other.  She is more prim and reserved until she gets mad.  She's a tiny little thing and she is just as confused about her attraction to Mr. Cigar as i am.  I call him the devil.  He turns on the charm and you don't see all the bullshit he's feeding you. I do feel like it's be...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Temu problem

 I know this is a bad way to shop, and i have fallen into the trap of "ooooh i want that and it's SO cheap".  Kinda like Walmart used to be.   I have been on a no shopping or impulse buying mission and most of the time I am able to control myself.  I go a little wild at the thrift stores though, sometimes spending a whopping $30 which to me, is excessive without purpose. Ha. That couch was a steal.  Best thing i ever purchased, aside from the $50 solid wood entertainment wall.  It has so much storage and shelving and fits my television perfectly.  Those things used to be thousands and i paid $50.  Score.   Anyways, i use my desk constantly and it's very crowded.  It also fits in the corner perfectly and anything else would be too large.  I've tried to figure out how to get more space and i've come to the conclusion that my monitor needs to be off the desk.  Enter temu.  $15 and now i will have added shelf space a...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »