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oh boy

 If i can't be honest here, where else can i be?

Mr. Cigar came over yesterday and we were intimate. If thats what you want to call it.  I have no fantasies about us being in love and living happily ever after.  Basically, i wanted sex, so did he.  So we came to a mutual agreement.

I'm so over dating.  I can't stand meeting new men.  I am not going into it with a good attitude so i'm just not doing it anymore.  I don't care for the constant texts, the phone calls, the making plans.......the disapointment of meeting yet another liar/jerk/cheater/misfit.  I'm all set with that.

Looking at my life i'm happy.  Work is turning out to be everything i was scared to hope it would be, i'm lucky to have good friends that i get to travel and have experiences with, my family is expanding and i feel getting closer.  Yes, there are things i wish were better, but not where men are concerned.

I'm not going to meet a man that i can trust and depend on by looking for him.  

I woke up yesterday morning contemplating making an arrangement with my ex just for sex.  THATS when i knew i had to do something before i really fucked up.  First, I'm not attracted to him anymore in that way.  Second, he lost access to my body when he  chose someone else over me.  Forever.  Now he lives with his choices and has a different life.  Yes, i love him in a way of having history, a lot of history together and knowing each other better than others.  I could spend time with him, and have, just as friends and thats more than i ever thought would happen.  I will leave it at that.

I watch myself when i answer Mr. Cigars calls.......i wonder if i'm okay in the head.  Or if i'm just horny.  I know he doesn't care if i am in his life or not and i feel like i've arrived at the same place. If he disappears for a few months again, it won't be a surprise.  He will always come back.  What i need from him is nothing.  HOWEVER, i know the intimacy is good and i will get and give what i want.  AND i don't have to date him.

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