Thats when you know

 When I avoid writing about something, or confiding in my close girlfriends about something and KNOW I can't tell my family about something......THATS when it finally kicks in that i should probably not be participating in whatever it is that i'm doing.

Like Mr. Cigar. 

I think we came together so that he could teach me a life lesson about myself.  When i think i'm healed, i'm not.  When i think my "mother wound" has healed, it hasn't.  It's never going to go away.  I thought the more healing and living i did the less likely it would be to affect me, this wound.  But if anything, trying to act like it's gone makes it get bigger.

The need to be picked by a man who doesn't deserve me.  Because SURELY he would chose me over a psycho, lying, cheating, no job holding, not to smart woman.  Right?  

Wrong.

I guess it was because i thought he had his shit together, because he is a successful business man, has hobbies he can actually talk about, have good conversations and wants good things out of life, is always growing and reaching for more........i thought he was smart.  But he is just as wounded as i am.  Just as stupid when it comes to the people we fall in "love" with.  

He doesn't know it's obsession yet.  Obviously he isn't going to see it.  When he does, when she leaves him finally or does something so castastrophic that he can no longer be with her.........he will then see.  He will then learn that love isn't painful, it doesn't use people, it doesn't lie, or enjoy watching you suffer.  That isn't love.

Not that i know what love IS.  But i do know what it's not.  And each time i get involved with him i am reminded.  It's not that he doesn't take me out, he does.  It's not that he doesn't text me or call me, he does.  This time, he actually spent time at my place because ......he HAD to.

Because duh, MB.  Even though he badmouther her, told me all the shit she had done and does to him and insisted that they are just roommates, and even though SHE insisted she didn't want him and they are just roommates.........they are, in fact, NOT.  But you already knew that because you aren't in the mist of it.

Yes, she and i talk texted quite a bit this time. And i kept asking myself and them, why are you so involved in your roommates personal life?  I knew.  And i kept saying it much to both of their upset, while they continued to trash each other..........And yes, there i was in the middle.  Because that is where i put MYSELF before i finally realized WTF am i doing here?  This is none of my business.  I want out of this crazy shit.

And i couldn't stop seeing him.  Or caring.

I am mistrustful of most people, especially when a woman who has nothing in common with me wants to all of sudden be my bestie.  I move slow with women, and men when it comes to friendship.  Fast isn't good.  And she wanted to jump right into the middle of it.........so i knew there was a motive and i protected myself.

because if i haven't made it clear, he sure as hell wasn't going to.

I was used.  That simple.  And i knew it, and continued.  And played the idiot.  Again.

Without going into all the crazy details, and i'm really playing down the word crazy because .......it was well beyond that.......I told him she was cheating and lying and showed him the proof, He then brought it to her attention in a fast and brutal way, making me his therapist and confidant.......then she went wild on me (because roommates really have a lot invested apparently) and eventually told me that they had "been together" (not that politely) the day before.

So i asked him.  And he said he couldn't lie, and that they had. 

So i extricated myself from the situation.  

You would think no one is together now, right?  But........i have money on a bet that they will continue to be together, even though they say and do the most heinous things to each other.  

I think it makes them happy.

Do i need to tell you that it doesn't make me happy?  I mean being a spectator let me see just how deep this dysfunction goes.........and i'm grateful that i'm not in her position, always having to depend on a man for a roof over her head.  Or money since she can't keep a job.  

The situation was so complicated with both of them lying through their teeth to me, and no, i really don't care why.  Why have me involved at all is my question.  What did that do for them?

People are fucked up.  I'd wish them well, except they don't want it.  Obviously.

This is the second time i've been involved with a man who chose a dumpster fire over me.

I guess i'm just that good.  It's pretty hard to live up to me. wink wink.  Both men are better off with the crazy bitches they chose.......because they really did deserve to go bottom feeding.  They believe it.  So they chose it.  Over and over again.

Accuse me of dating potential again and you'd be right.

Am i devasted?  uh, no.  But i do think i need to have my head checked when everything i ever told him came out of her mouth with a nasty spin on it.  So he was shit talking me too.  Because that is what they both do.  He will be 60 in two weeks and she is kissing it..........and they behave like high school girls.  Mean girls.

I hope they eat each other, like they would probably have eaten their young had they had any.

sigh.

Okay, done with that.  Again.