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transitioning

 


I feel a shift occuring where i'm noticing my own behavior rather than "his".

So much has been happening, that rollercoaster ride i never wanted to get on but completely did.  Hell i pushed my way to the front of the line knowing i hate rollercoaster rides........

This morning his first text was a picture of his ex, laughing because she is coming up in his "possible friends" list telling me he has her blocked.  Not good morning.  Just a picture of her and a transparent lie.....so i took some time to respond because, you know, having feelings is "crazy".

he of course doesn't take accountability, just puts it back on me for "starting this shit so early".....which i find kind of funny and kind of sad.  Self centered much?  

Last text i sent him was "tell me more about your roommate who had you arrested".......and not a peep from him since.  That, will be considered a low blow and will be me being crazy.

Yet, it's true.

His screen shot of her face also showed his Pokes, messages waiting to be read and number of comments on a page i'm still blocked from.  Not a couple, lots and lots of activity.  Good for him.  He's got others he can obsess about his ex to.

Last night he yelled at me because i had apparently said "you put your hands on her, you deserved to be arrested" a total of 3  times, he was counting.  I was listening to him bitch about how he was treated by the police.  I told him again it wasn't personal, they were doing there job and he admitted to pushing her.  It doesn't matter that she ommitted her part....they have a job to do.  She didn't put her hands on him.  Thats why she didn't get arrested.

He could have walked away.  He didn't.  And now, he has a couple of months of fighting everyone in the system because he didn't deserve that.

  • difficulty regulating emotions under stress
  • externalizing blame
  • conflict escalating instead of de-escalating
  • believing consequences are mostly caused by other people

    • And he can't see it.

    And i'm foolish.  And am finally seeing it.

    Now all the other charges he's had throughout his life are coming out ......several DUI's, he's been arrested for domestic once before (both were).........lots of little tid bits he never mentioned because they didnt stay on his record.  The man has a shit ton of guns and a permit.  Which he now had to turn over because of this arrest.  And it's HER fault that he handed her the golden ticket to ruin his life, which she said she was going to do as she dialed 911.

    Both of them are addicted to each other and to the toxic relationship that they find so exciting that they will ruin their lives over it.

    So this morning, after reading Mr. Cigars text I felt a door slam shut.  Nooooo not the main door, i'm working my way down the hallway slamming doors left and right but i won't lie to myself and say i'm done yet.  Because i'm not a liar.  Stupid, but not a liar.

    Also this morning i get a text from another man, "good morning beautiful"......we know i hate those texts but today it was funny because..........look at the difference in texts.  An exes face, and a beautiful ......which would any sane person prefer?

    So i respond and think about suggesting another ride........then i stop myself.  No.  I will not do this.  I will not reach out to a new guy because the current guy isn't mine and never will be in a healthy way.  I will finish this trash situation for good before i even think about another man.

    I don't need to get reassurance, or support from a man.  I need to get my shit straight and stop letting the current, not current, man use me as a support dog while he goes through shit with his ex.  roommate.  Whatever he is calling her today.

    This feels good. I'm being honest that i haven't hit my limit yet, and i'm recognizing past behaviors of needing another mans approval to feel better.

    Fuck that noise.  My life is full, is good, and the only thing giving me stress at the moment is the man i supposedly love...but how is that love when he knows almost nothing about me after a year of this.

    Ugh.  too much brain power is being wasted on someone who has a huge backup line with no intention of ever being with me without talking about and obsessing over his ex, not ex, roommate whatever the fuck she is.

    Notice the pattern.

    He introduces the drama.

    I respond to the drama.

    I become the problem.

    That's a cycle.

    Not a relationship.

    A position.

    The position of "the one who listens."

    "The one who understands."

    "The one who stays."

    "The one who sees the good in him."

    Those are roles.

    They're not intimacy.

    Real intimacy sounds more like:

    "What made you cry this week?"

    "What are you excited about?"

    "How's Koda?"

    "How's work?"

    "What are you painting?"

    "What book are you reading?"

    "What scares you?"

    I have a rich life.

    Reading.

    my journal and Travelers Notebook.

    Work i'm proud of.

    Koda.

    Weight loss, improving my health

    Art dabbling

    My growing family

    These things rarely become the center of the conversation.

    His crisis does.

    That's not love growing.

    That's my life orbiting someone else's chaos.

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