But seriously

 To be in love with someone you only started dating 2 months ago is kinda crazy.  Is it because we both spent an entire school year wanting each other and knowing it couldn't happen?  Or that we thought of each other as "the one who got away" for 40 years?  

I never knew the feeling was mutual.  He knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  I knew i had a boyfriend, so that was that.  Neither pursued.  No bad karma.

We go off and live our lives, have our hearts broken (in almost the same way) and have our kids with people who shouldn't have been parents.  We lived mirror lives.  Not surprising, as drug use destroys many relationships. I went through my experience earlier than he did, and that gives me a very good understanding of what is happening with him now.

I think i'm walking in Darryl's shoes in a way.  How do you start dating someone who has teens and a parent that is absent even if physically present?  Sometimes.  And when they are, it's mayhem and upset because of the drugs.  What is your place?  What are your boundaries? How attached do you get to kids who aren't yours?

Darryl.  My son laughs at me when i tell him i'm friends with him.  I think he has very strong feelings about how i was treated, the suffering i went through, and he's not likely to forget.  My daughter,  i wish i knew how she felt .....she took it to heart when we broke up because of how.  He basically threw us all away to go chase Carolines tail.  And look how that turned out.  

Another relationship destroyed due to drug use.  His and hers, ours was because he had a wandering eye.  

I'm seeing a full circle affect here....understanding different views from experience that is allowing me to remain nuetral in a way.  To be cautious.  I know there are pitfalls and people aren't perfect.  

I mean, i'm in love with a man who lives with a woman he hates, who is dying from smoking and previous drug use BUT is the mother of his boys.  She sleeps all the time.  Ignores doctors orders.  He lives in fear that one of his kids will be the one to find her dead on the couch.  

I know what it feels like to live with someone who doesn't care if they live or die and does everything possible TO die right in front of your eyes.  And to have it thrown in your face so much that you start to wish they would.  That if they hate life so much, and only seem to find pleasure in ruining the lives everyone around them.  It' hard to be compassionate when their selfishness is affecting so many lives caught in their web due to whats "right" and "obligation"l.......two things they know nothing about.

Sometimes i want to be that hot girl mess that has a man take care of me.  Even if he hates me.  So what?  He'll keep a miserable roof over my head and thats life.  

No fucking way.  Not me.  Not ever.  I'd live in a boxx on the street first.

But i have no addictions  So theres that.