I don't have much that i want to write about so that tells me i'm feeling pretty good.
I have my moments. But they pass. I'm mostly very content. I'm in a new/old relationship that is slowly unfolding. It has it's complications, as do most adult in their 50's do.......there have been whole lives before us. I love the way he treats me. Not over the top, not sickening, not nice enough that i want to smack him.........not fake.
I believe him. I trust him. I don't see red flags anywhere, and i'm not ignoring concerning behavior. I'm not talking myself into loving him.
I'm just enjoying his consistency, the fact that he has a life he attends to but makes room for me. Aside from his kids, he makes me a priority. Happily. Not grudgingly. And he doesn't announce it looking for a medal ....he just does it. I watch his actions and i see how much i mean to him.
Saturday was such a great day. He and his boys came and picked up Koda and I and we went to Sleeping Giant to walk up the mountain. The boys took off, as boys do, and we made our way up at a steady and enjoyable pace. One where we could talk, laugh, look at things......he showed me where the different paths were to get to the rock climbing...he even convinced me that the next time we go, just he and I, we will use some of those paths and he will help me if needed.
He thinks i can do things, and that makes me think i can do things. And when i tell him how uncoordinated i am, how little i know how to use my body.....he says he will help me. And he does. Without attitude, without making fun of me. We took pictures, and at the top at the castle we took pictures of us and the kids, i made sure to take many of him and his boys.
His boys. They are good kids. Happy, cordial, polite, talkative, open, well behaved.......eager to know me and open to my very surface questions. He doesn't need me to be a step mom. He is doing a fantastic job on his own. I'm leaning on my memories of how Darryl used to treat my kids and i'm following that path. An adult that cares about them, not an authoritarian, but also not exactly a "friend". Because they are part of Tom, they will be folded into my world also, and hopefully we can have our own relationships.
Without telling too much that isn't mine to tell.........their mother is unwell. Very unwell. And it hasn't been an easy road for any of them.
So when she began texting them Saturday night to tell them she was home from the hospital, i knew it was going to make them feel torn. They were supposed to all spend the night. We had gone hiking all day, and came back to my place and made a huge batch of tacos for dinner. Then they picked a scary movie to watch (and it was scary)....they would have put another on but i asked them if they wanted to go home and see their mom.
I said we should postpone the sleepover, they hadn't seen her in a week. And they jumped at it. Tom was disapointed, i could tell, but it was the right thing. I could tell they didn't want to go, but at the same time did want to go.
I feel like i should be the soft landing for them. There are enough hard truths in their young lives. I fucked it all up when my kids were teens. I wasn't empathetic to their struggles of all the changes we were going through, i was so scared, so worried about survival and trying to make a new life (yes, with a man) that i was insensitvie to their needs. Yes they were teenagers who wanted to spend time with their friends, but i should have been there more consistently, even if it meant spending nights and weekends alone waiting for them to come home.
Instead, they waited for me. And it is my only regret.
So when Tom starts showing he is struggling between his wants, which is to be there for his boys and to be with me.....i remind him that i'm not going anywhere. They are growing up and soon enough they will have their own lives and getting that time with them might be difficult.
Its why i've told him that the boys are always welcome.....implied in every invitation to come over, or go out and do something. I'm the new person.
He has a way of speaking to me that makes me feel very cared for. Example. I had told him that i couldn't find pineapple spears in coconut water at my Aldis anymore. That either they were no long stocking them or someone was buying them up before i could get there. Yesterday he was shopping with Adam and he called me to tell me he found them. How many jars did i want?
A passing comment and he remembered to look.
He showed up with a dozen roses Saturday.
He asks me questions when i'm telling him stories. He TALKS to me and tells me stories about his past as well.
He is outstanding in the sack. Sorry, had to say it. It's nice to be with a man who can actually have sex and do it well. Seems like so many have ED or some kind of health problems, and who knows? Maybe he will someday also, but NOW he doesn't and i'm sure as hell taking advantage of that.
He is romantic, traditional, smart, dependable........He offered to get me out of debt and then i could pay him monthly with no interest.......I declined, of course. But he has mentioned several times that he would help me improve my credit rating.
I feel taken care of. Not controlled. I feel valued, not used.
And when thats all i want to write about, i guess i tend to keep positive emotions to myself. Maybe i don't want to have to eat my words if something changes, or if a new side of him emerges that isn't attactive.....i don't want to feel stupid.
But i do trust him, and he does make me very happy. And apparently vice versa. And for once in my life i would like to trust that feeling.
I'm working on it.
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