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he is STILL coming

 No baby yet.  I have the utmost sympathy for my DIL.  This has been a long haul.  Both appear to be in good spirits and were able to get some rest last night due to the epidural.  Smart lady.  Sometimes i think if i had to do it again i might have gone with the epidural.

I'm glad they aren't "rushing" my grandson.  Everyone is good, healthy and there are no concerns.  I had fear that they would rush her into a c-section without need.  They have a LOT of steps to go up and down at their home, and that would have been a lot to deal with.

All i can do is wait.

This morning i asked her (in the family chat) how much she is dilated? and my daughter piped in with MOM!  So i immediately felt chastised.  I apologized and she said she was only kidding.  And then Jess told me the details.

Weirdly, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Lindsay.   It's her reluctance to spend time with me, or even talk to me.  Something is going on there.  It needs to get fixed because i'm not getting cut out of her life.  Or my granddaughters life.  Sometimes i wonder how much of this has to do with her husband.

Now is the time to dig with the new baby entering our family.  Enough.  Could be all my imagination but what ever it is we will come to the bottom of it once and for all.  

Sometimes i feel bad for my ex.  He missed all of this.  I know he loves his children in his own fucked up way- but he never maintained a relationship with either of them.  He pushed too hard and then not enough.  You basically have to hang on like a rabid dog when they try to get rid of you.  Pretty much.  And mind your business unless asked for your opinion.  And be there.  Wether they like it or not.  It's really no different than raising them.

Now i'm getting regular phone calls and texts from Bill again......i have to say, i do love our conversations.  The banter, topics, the mild flirtation and many disagreements.....I enjoy him when he isn't manic.  I enjoy his touch, his brain..........but his actions are hurtful and predictable.  He says i run, I say he gives me reason to.  Not sure what the point of all this is, but i am willing, AGAIN, to see what happens.  Maybe it's two very fucked up people trying to manage our emotions or maybe he's just a user.  

I don't know.  And right now, it's not my problem.

Work- i'm a little pissed off.  AGAIN i am being left off the website as the coordinator of my program.  Everyone else is listed and they aren't even the ones doing the bulk or heavy lifting of the program.  I AM.  Fuck yeah i want the public recognition.  I'm not invisible.  There is NO ONE else but me managing this program and i'm getting tired of that office always leaving me out.  I honestly hope they DO just take the project over.  Good fucking luck.  They think they can do it better, be my guest.  Have fun with that.  And DO NOT come to me with any questions or problems after having treated me like i don't exist.

Just sit back and watch the shit hit the fan.  I'm moving on.  It hurts me to think the Dr. S would ever find out what they are doing, but i have not personal attachment to any WORK.  There's always more, and they certainly are going to find that out soon.


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