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It's always my choice

Yesterday i had an epiphany.

I have a compulsive desire to prove that reality is real.

I collect evidence, confront lies and want acknowledgement for what is plainly true. 

I gather receipts, become the investigator, the truth teller, the referee, the therapist, the witness.

People invested in chaos don't want truth.  They want an audience.

"They" (in this case, Mr. Cigar and his psycho)  involved me because i participated.

I believe if everyone just knew the facts everyone would start behaving rationally.

They won't.  

After sitting and thinking about this i found it to be true of my entire life.  I do feel like i have to prove reality is real.  I do need to make sense of it even if it is plainly true. 


People i trust have questioned that trust because i dig.  I don't take face value, i ask for back up information.  I need all the details.

It drives men crazy but women seem to enjoy telling me the nitty gritty.

To learn something about myself and agree with it at this age is really interesting.  It's like meeting myself.


I've done some crazy stuff.  I've survived it all.  I've lived life.  I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone or tried to ruin their life, but i have associated with people who did it to me out of jealousy.  Thats funny because i can't imagine anyone being JEALOUS of me!?  

Most recently having Mr. Cigars psycho "roommate" (uh huh) lose her mind on me and say a bunch of vile, hateful and poison things to me.......proving to me that she is rotten to the core, gave me a really clear view of the kind of woman i could have potentially become.

I had a phone conversation with Mr. Cigar yesterday.  A deep, hopefully honest, painful conversation for both of us.  I asked him questions, i told him my feelings, he let me.  He answered me without getting heated, we got into the deep of it.  I identified that his relationship with her is comfortable to him because it's what he grew up with, what he is used to........for reasons i will not share here.  

Suffice it to say both of us are were conditioned to receive abuse and neglect.  Many people have.  Some break away from the pattern as adults, others fall into their parents footsteps.  

The games he plays, that i participate in......all of it would stop if we chose to make it stop.  It's our CHOICE to continue with this madness.

That said, i agreed to be taken out for a motorcycle ride with a guy I went riding with before.  He's been after me for months and i finally answered him and said he can take me for a drink and a ride, but i'm not looking for anything more than that.  Just company.  I know he rides safely and has lots of miles under him so i'm comfortable riding with him.

Off the bike is a different story.  I need the release of letting go and clearing my mind.  I need a reset.  A complete restart. A ride will do that for me.  

I will not reach out to Mr. Cigar, i will exibit self control and not insert myself into the circus he is living.  He chose that.  I choose not to instigate engagement. I already know i will answer his calls and texts, i won't even try to pretend i won't.  

I'm not fighting it.  It is what it is.  And it will do what it does.  Eventually i will learn or i will be proven wrong.  

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