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Do NOT want to


 I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon today for my knee.  My *&^( Knee.  

Years ago, i was chasing my cat, Seeku, and a rug slipped out from under my feet causing me to slam down on my knee. I was upstairs, my bf at the time was downstairs with a friend.  There was a pause, and then they went back to their conversation as i writhed on the floor in agony trying not to cry and swear.

I have never been graceful.  I have fallen more than a few times.  He would stand there and look at me, wouldn't ask if i was okay, wouldn't help me up.....I wasn't shocked he didn't come up to check on me.

Due to being embarrassed, i tried to ignore the swelling and discoloration that appeared over the next few days.  One morning i went to work and my leg swelled so bad my pant leg was skin tight...my co-workers forced me to the doctors.  Nothing broken, my knee was "traumatized".....hahahahah that was perfect.  On goes a huge brace, and i sit on my couch for two weeks having McDonalds thrown at me for nourishment.  

I lived in that brace for a while, and eventually i was able to take it off and have very little pain.  Life went on.  HOWEVER, that was when everything else seemed to start imploding. Long story short, lots of shit went down.  I quit smoking, had a minor emotional breakdown, got on medication, broke up a 13 year relationship and moved out of a house i loved all in a two year range.

I gained 50 lbs during 3 months due to a medication i was put on, and then taken off of.  I wasn't smoking anymore but i sure was eating.  I wasn't active, i was severely depressed.  My body went to shit.  As my mental health started to get better, my life as i knew it fell apart.  Wierd. 

I moved in with my bestie and her family for almost a year.  I lived upstairs.  I then moved into a house full of stairs, and although i was never sprinting up and down them, i could use them with little problem.  

Over the years i've had pain on and off in that knee.  I've fallen and broken other bones, been told i have arthritis in my knees, and have gotten older.  Stairs have become an issue.  It's embarrassing.

However, NOW walking at work makes me want to scream in pain.  The pain in that knee is sometimes unbearable and i eat tylenol like its m&m's....which will cause bigger problems.  I've had surgery on my foot twice in the past 6 years and i'm not looking forward to what this new Surgeon is going to tell me about my knee.

I live alone, i have animals, i'm not NOT going to work.  I've been mentally preparing for the worst. I've been freezing meals and stocking up on pantry supplies so i won't have to worry about feeding myself (although lately eating has been greatly decreased with the medication that removes my hunger completely)  I'm told there are home healthcare people that will check in, because no way am i going to a rehab facility.  I'm quite sure i will be fine by myself, its my animals i'm more concerned about.  And all this is if MAYBE i need to have another surgery.

I'm gonna ask if i can bring my printer from work home with me, but that won't solve the problem of what to do with the stuff i print out and approve.........that's stressing me a bit.  However, i've solved bigger problems before and this is just a tiny one.

Thats what i've been avoiding putting too much thought into and as of today will become a reality or will make me feel like i've been overreacting and there is a simple solution to solve the absolute agony in my knee............ha.  

So.  Wish me luck.  

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