Skip to main content

Is there a difference between Jaded and Cautious?

 I'm very reactionary.  This is something I own, and have learned to temper over the years.  But its there.  All. The.Time.

I don't make big decisions with my emotions anymore.  I have lost too much and learned too many lessons to allow my heart to lead me anywhere.  I feel like there's a literal judge in my head sitting there ready to pound the gavel into my head if I even TRY to lead with my heart.  Use your head is a constant mantra playing on repeat.

I'm scarred, like a whole lot of other people.  I've been abandoned by bio donors, used by people, abused by some, lied to, cheated on, taught that I am unworthy, unable, a lost cause.  And I've proven them all wrong instead of just growing up the way it's supposed to be done.  I've always been on the defense ready to prove that I am worthy.

And that has made me make mistakes I might not have otherwise made.  Regardless, choices I made came back and bit me in the ass.  My own doing.  No one broke my arm.  I could have made better choices.

I am determined to live a happy life.  I pursued this life with a "fuck you all" attitude and it hasn't been until very recent years that I've started pursuing it for ME, not in spite of others.

I'm rambling because there is a lot going on in my head.  

I don't trust anyone and I think that limits my ability to have a relationship.

Obviously some people aren't worthy of trust, but I have to believe that some are.  Not everyone is out to get one over on me.

Because I was the one that reached out to the last guy, kind of dropped into his lap, I already had an open heart.  I picked him.  I responded to him physically and emotionally with no reserve.  And I got my hand slapped.  Just because I was ready him, didn't mean he wanted me.  See? using my head.  I still chew on that......what did I do wrong?  what could I have done better?  why am I not enough?  But it comes down to the simple fact that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what he has going on in his own head with his own judge.  

There doesn't need to be a bad guy in every story.

This new guy.  I don't know.  I am interested.  He checks all the "boxes".  He's got a spine, not a weeny, but seems kind.  Another one that doesn't smile easily. Hasn't grossed me out with sexual innuendo ...seems "normal".  

This morning he texts me that he finally had a peaceful night.

(((why wouldn't he have?)))

and I ask the question that comes to my mind, "Is your roommate your ex?"

I knew he had a roommate, I knew it was a she, and since we aren't on trial here I left it at that.  Until now.

yes, yes in fact they did date.

So.  I'm thrown back to my own breakup when I moved out of the only house I've ever felt like home in to come back a day later and find another woman's contacts and solution in the bathroom that I cleaned before I left.  That feeling.  I will never forget that feeling.

Is she me?

Reasonable thoughts.  It does seem messy.  unfinished.  

and I said that.  "That seems messy"

and he explained.  Not defensively, not toooo much, just matter of fact.  

Here's the quandry.  No one has a spotless life, everyone has baggage, and not everyone is honest about it.  But how do I know he's being honest?  I don't.

He doesn't deserve to be put on trial by a one date wonder.  And I don't deserve to be brought into any messiness with an ex, if there is any.  

So what do I do?  Ghost him?  back out? 

or just keep it in my head as a possible red flag and watch how he moves in his life as I get to know him.  Go slow.  Be aware.  

My first instinct was to cut him off.  Me being reactionary.  And maybe I'll find out that I should have.  But for now, I'm going to let this play out.

I love my peace.  I love my drama free life.  I'm in a good place.  I can't be afraid to engage with men because they aren't perfect because no one is perfect.  especially me.  I obviously want that connection, someone to belong to.  I just have to be cautious and not jaded. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Let's talk about Mr. Racecar

 I admit it.  I am a little bit excited about meeting Mr. Racecar.   He's younger- 53 He's taller, and bigger than me He has tats, bald head and long beard He builds cars/trucks and drag races - own his shop which is attached to his home.  ONE is a Camaro.  It sounds NASTY. He lives an hour away Now......here's what happens in my head:  What the hell could this man possibly see in me?  Why would he want to meet me?  He- owns a Harley but hasn't ridden it in a few years due to a car accident that left him unable to walk again until recently. He is a typical male in that some of his talk tries to lead me down the "lets talk about sex, baby, lets talk about you and me" side of things, which I have successfully diverted without him losing interest. I'm looking to date, to find the man I want to have a relationship with, not a situationship. And then I had to explain what a situationship is because he has only just started dating again, and he is ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.   I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.   Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.   But PJs.   No.   On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends. Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Secrets

 Yesterday I found myself telling someone something about my life that I had not planned on sharing.  We don't really talk too much about our past relationships.  We aren't there yet and i don't know that it's really important.  It's not a race to the finish line.  There is time.   This was just the natural time to share the information. I have very few regrets in my life, some things i may have done differently, but even so, without regret.  Everything has brought me to who i am today.  This got me thinking of how much I've changed, that i would not even put the energy into defending anything I've done because i don't have to, and because i don't want to, or need to.  This also brought to mind how often judgement used to rule my world, and how I felt about myself. I married very young, to my high school boyfriend.  For many reasons, all i ever wanted (in my wisdom of 21 years) was to get married, have babies, and live happily ever ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »