Is there a difference between Jaded and Cautious?

 I'm very reactionary.  This is something I own, and have learned to temper over the years.  But its there.  All. The.Time.

I don't make big decisions with my emotions anymore.  I have lost too much and learned too many lessons to allow my heart to lead me anywhere.  I feel like there's a literal judge in my head sitting there ready to pound the gavel into my head if I even TRY to lead with my heart.  Use your head is a constant mantra playing on repeat.

I'm scarred, like a whole lot of other people.  I've been abandoned by bio donors, used by people, abused by some, lied to, cheated on, taught that I am unworthy, unable, a lost cause.  And I've proven them all wrong instead of just growing up the way it's supposed to be done.  I've always been on the defense ready to prove that I am worthy.

And that has made me make mistakes I might not have otherwise made.  Regardless, choices I made came back and bit me in the ass.  My own doing.  No one broke my arm.  I could have made better choices.

I am determined to live a happy life.  I pursued this life with a "fuck you all" attitude and it hasn't been until very recent years that I've started pursuing it for ME, not in spite of others.

I'm rambling because there is a lot going on in my head.  

I don't trust anyone and I think that limits my ability to have a relationship.

Obviously some people aren't worthy of trust, but I have to believe that some are.  Not everyone is out to get one over on me.

Because I was the one that reached out to the last guy, kind of dropped into his lap, I already had an open heart.  I picked him.  I responded to him physically and emotionally with no reserve.  And I got my hand slapped.  Just because I was ready him, didn't mean he wanted me.  See? using my head.  I still chew on that......what did I do wrong?  what could I have done better?  why am I not enough?  But it comes down to the simple fact that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what he has going on in his own head with his own judge.  

There doesn't need to be a bad guy in every story.

This new guy.  I don't know.  I am interested.  He checks all the "boxes".  He's got a spine, not a weeny, but seems kind.  Another one that doesn't smile easily. Hasn't grossed me out with sexual innuendo ...seems "normal".  

This morning he texts me that he finally had a peaceful night.

(((why wouldn't he have?)))

and I ask the question that comes to my mind, "Is your roommate your ex?"

I knew he had a roommate, I knew it was a she, and since we aren't on trial here I left it at that.  Until now.

yes, yes in fact they did date.

So.  I'm thrown back to my own breakup when I moved out of the only house I've ever felt like home in to come back a day later and find another woman's contacts and solution in the bathroom that I cleaned before I left.  That feeling.  I will never forget that feeling.

Is she me?

Reasonable thoughts.  It does seem messy.  unfinished.  

and I said that.  "That seems messy"

and he explained.  Not defensively, not toooo much, just matter of fact.  

Here's the quandry.  No one has a spotless life, everyone has baggage, and not everyone is honest about it.  But how do I know he's being honest?  I don't.

He doesn't deserve to be put on trial by a one date wonder.  And I don't deserve to be brought into any messiness with an ex, if there is any.  

So what do I do?  Ghost him?  back out? 

or just keep it in my head as a possible red flag and watch how he moves in his life as I get to know him.  Go slow.  Be aware.  

My first instinct was to cut him off.  Me being reactionary.  And maybe I'll find out that I should have.  But for now, I'm going to let this play out.

I love my peace.  I love my drama free life.  I'm in a good place.  I can't be afraid to engage with men because they aren't perfect because no one is perfect.  especially me.  I obviously want that connection, someone to belong to.  I just have to be cautious and not jaded.