my theory

 Once i started talking with my ex again, after years of having NOT spoken, all the "what if" wore off.  There are no more unanswered questions, no more romantic ideations of what could have been, no feelings of betrayal in my gut.

He's just him.  I will always have soft feelings for parts of him he shared with me, that don't fit the overall way he presents himself.  I like to think he grew into what a real relationship can potentially be with me.  He did turn me in, yes.  But that turned out to be the best thing for me, in the end. 

If I met him now, no, I wouldn't want to date him.  It's not only because he has a young child, but because in many ways HE is still a child.  I don't mean that in a derogatory way at all. He doesn't take care of himself. I sometimes wonder if he cares about himself at all. 

I can still care, have love for him, and genuinely not want to be with him.  The only reason I know this is because we came full circle.  There are no questions.  

That took forever!  And I'm lucky I had the closure because most times, there is none.

So I wonder, will the thought of Mr. Tattoo man every go away with no conclusion?  I mean there was  a definite conclusion on his part......he cut me out.  quite easily it seems.  

Will I ever date a new guy and NOT compare him to the man I felt utterly safe with from the moment I laid eyes on him?  I mean, I practically ran to get into that man's car on the first date and that never happens with me.  Hell no, I don't know you and what you might have in your vehicle.  But with him? I just sat my ass there like i knew him for years.  

That. is. insane.

And lets talk about my inability to keep my hands off of him.  Not that night, not any time i was in his presence (except the last when he kept 10 feet between us at all costs).  I had no control over it.  My hands just wandered to him like they had mind of their own.  traitors. 

why him?

Have I dated men with tats and soulful eyes before?  um....yeah.  That was my "type".......you know, the type I decided I needed to stay away from because my luck with the wilder ones isn't good.  And then I went to the nerdy white-collar guys........who turned out to be crazier than the wild ones.  At least the wild guys admit it. 

You want a twisted man?  He'll have a corporate job and wear a suit.  

He made me laugh.  He made me feel.  

I miss feeling.

I loved listening to him.  His voice.  What he said.  How he said it.  He is eloquent in a way that makes you feel pain, and then laughter within 2 breaths.  Extreme.  

And maybe that's my attraction?  The extremeness of him and his ability to carry it every day.

I was talking to my bestie about this new man on Saturday night and i told her i should probably just not date at all anymore.  I am literally obsessed with someone i only dated (touchy word there) briefly. No one else compares.

She told me that i fell hard and fast for him - and she knows me, all of the me - reasonable, not reasonable, fears, strengths, weaknesses....She's never seen me do this.  However, i never lost myself.  It almost felt like i found a missing piece. 

Stupid.  I keep trying to get him out of my system. Probably just because we ended so abruptly that i have built him up in my head.  But i remember how i felt around him.  I remember when i wasn't around him i wasn't worried.  I was able to just be myself until that last time when i asked too many questions and tried to make us real. 

So...................not real.  And not healthy for me to continue to obsess.  or sane.  I indulge myself sometimes.  Sue me. 

There isn't going to be any closure here.  I must accept that.  Got it?  ..............