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Hope is interesting

 I gave up dating a while ago, met a man through a friend that I really started to care about and when that didn't work out, i promised myself i was done.

I'm happier alone.  I'm not waiting or wondering, getting excited or disappointed.  I do what i want, and for a while, who i wanted, with no strings.  That gets old fast.  For me, there needs to be more than just the physical act of sex.  It's not worth the effort just for a fling.

I had created a FB dating profile a ways back and never completed it, forgot about it.  Then a guy i had dated reached out to me and asked if i was in the game again?  He saw my profile.  So i went to delete it and thought.......i wonder.  I finished it and then went on vacation, forgetting about it again.

My focus as of late has been retirement and getting my kids to not put me in an asylum.  I have been looking at how much it will cost me to retire in Connecticut and there's no way i can do it here.  Housing alone I cannot afford, never mind on a fixed income, and i want to DO things i can't do with a full time job.  Like travel. 

My kids, and my friends think I'm insane and just talking bullshit, but i have been planning homelessness for the past few years.  I considered doing it while still employed full time, but the weather is a problem and i have my dog and cat to consider.  So i will hit the road in a built out van when i retire.  

Because that has its own expenses, i am currently getting certified in coding so i can work remotely when i want/need to.  I don't see me ever NOT working.  I will make more money doing that than i do right now and it won't all be going to utilities and rent.

I also have a wish list, game plan, whatever you want to call it.  I love libraries and i want to travel this county documenting them with pictures and their history.  I'm also becoming an Elks club member and i want to visit each club in each state.  Thats two books that probably only i will be interested in and that's just fine with me. The weather will determine where i am and if it gets bad, i just drive away until it's better.  My home will always be with me.  No packing.  No hotels with bedbugs arrrgghhh! 

I've been planning and getting excited about this and it never occurred to me that i wouldn't be doing it alone, or that anyone else would want to do it too. 

Back to the dating site.  I checked it and there were a lot of messages.......surprisingly.  One stood out- I liked his face and his profile.  We got to chatting, and its strange how easy it is.  We'll see what happens when we meet face to face.  

Anyway- we all know me and dating goes nowhere so I'm not holding my breath HOWEVER the conversation will be different than others I've had in the past because he also wants to travel the country during retirement, only in a toyhauler with a bike in the garage of it.....much more bougie than what i had in mind.

Imagine if we actually click?  It's too soon to think about that but it has put into my mind that retirement with someone might be nice.

Last night i dreamt about my ex husband and how he had redone the whole house we had bought and it was really nice and he said he did it all for me.  Then i felt trapped and was worried that i would have to stay with him and give up my whole life.  My ex bf was in the dream and he told me we couldn't talk anymore if i moved back "home" and i was aggravated because i just wanted to run away and forget both of them.

Hows that for interpreting my fuckedupedness?  

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