The thing about dating, looking for a mate in mid-life is that you no longer have tolerance for anything unacceptable.
Like, when you go on the first couple of dates of course you put your best foot forward, HOWEVER, in my case there was a mutual dumping of "this is the worst of me" and "this is who I am now and what i want" that took place the first time we met in person. We had talked sporadically over a period of months- with me avoiding my attraction to him. The thought was that any male i am attracted to is an asshole and i needed to avoid that ever happening again.
Well THAT didn't work and i found someone JUST right for me.
The point is that when we are younger we want that other person the think we are as close to perfect as it gets, for as long as possible. When you get to my place in life, you want to know all the dirt and give all the dirt right off the bat - take it or leave it- before you invest years into a person that, lets be honest, is not going to change drastically.
He told me some pretty hairy stories that first day. I thought to myself, "holy shit" and then I realized i had some hairy stories of my very own. I gave him credit for owning his past. I have respect for people who know their faults, and don't try to play them off as assets. In other words, someone who knows themselves, knows they aren't perfect and is or has worked on making better choices, yet still accepts who they are. That's a man. To me.
Okay, so thats all well and good but what are my faults MB? I'm nosy. That's one that has, depending on how you look at it, been an asset and a fault. Mostly, it's gotten me information that I did nothing with because my stupid heart spoke louder. Ah, so being a pushover WAS a fault but I believe i've corrected that one. The nosiness? It's still there, loud and proud. I need to know. Everything. About everyone. Ever.
I know a few people like that. ehem.
I've sat and looked at peoples facebook pages and thought sarcastic and mean things. I'm human. And then i correct myself because..........really? Why am i doing it? I have a full and complete life with opportunities for growth in abundance.........and i'm wasting my time on making myself feel like shit. So THERE is another fault. I ruin my own peace, alllllll by myself.
You know i had to check out the ex's right? Not mine. His. It's just so damn easy now. Plus, I always wonder (goddammit MB stop wondering) what the other side of the story is. With lovely facebook, you can get a pretty good idea. I know the last one was........difficult. Reading her posts I kinda felt like I knew how she felt - "looking for that real love"......while you are in a relationship. HOWEVER, i heard the other side and it wasn't a pretty story. I've seen the proof of that story with my own eyes. So, she may have blamed him, and had her friends believing it was all him- but i wonder if she told the complete story and the part she played in it.
Well, i don't really wonder. I'm trying not to ruin my own peace. Remember?
Here's what i do wonder. What was my part in the decline of my last relationship? Why do i care? Because i don't want to repeat it and ruin this one. I want to learn from my mistakes and hell, make NEW ones if need be. Aside from the obvious self serving errors, like, purposely being blind, looking the other way, allowing myself to feel responsible for his behavior, not speaking up loudly enough, and frankly, not leaving when I knew he was only ever using me.
He used to tell me I cared too much. Is that a fault? To him it was, but i don't trust the source. I asked too many questions. I "always want to fight".........oh, and I'm crazy. I think i covered his list of what is wrong with me. Pretty standard complaints from a guy who is cheating, or doing things he knows damn well you aren't going to like, or stick around for.
Tell you what, the day Mike calls me crazy in THAT way is the day i call the movers. Fuck that noise. I may be nosy but crazy, i'm not. I just want the truth. Even when it sucks. And I won't be tolerating any more of that bullshit from anyone, ever, again.
Quieting or silencing myself to save someone elses pride is also not a huge concern for me anymore. Not that i want to run around outing people and shaming them, but if it happens to me, it happens to me. I get to tell it the way I felt it.
I thought about making this blog private after finding out who was reading it. Now it makes it hard to be genuine and not take shots. But you know what? I'm up for the challenge. This is my place, and you are welcome to stay and have your own opinions. Hell, sit there and have fun hating on me if that is how you need to fill your time. I'm going to keep doing me. I'm not worried about you.
Taaaaa!
Like, when you go on the first couple of dates of course you put your best foot forward, HOWEVER, in my case there was a mutual dumping of "this is the worst of me" and "this is who I am now and what i want" that took place the first time we met in person. We had talked sporadically over a period of months- with me avoiding my attraction to him. The thought was that any male i am attracted to is an asshole and i needed to avoid that ever happening again.
Well THAT didn't work and i found someone JUST right for me.
The point is that when we are younger we want that other person the think we are as close to perfect as it gets, for as long as possible. When you get to my place in life, you want to know all the dirt and give all the dirt right off the bat - take it or leave it- before you invest years into a person that, lets be honest, is not going to change drastically.
He told me some pretty hairy stories that first day. I thought to myself, "holy shit" and then I realized i had some hairy stories of my very own. I gave him credit for owning his past. I have respect for people who know their faults, and don't try to play them off as assets. In other words, someone who knows themselves, knows they aren't perfect and is or has worked on making better choices, yet still accepts who they are. That's a man. To me.
Okay, so thats all well and good but what are my faults MB? I'm nosy. That's one that has, depending on how you look at it, been an asset and a fault. Mostly, it's gotten me information that I did nothing with because my stupid heart spoke louder. Ah, so being a pushover WAS a fault but I believe i've corrected that one. The nosiness? It's still there, loud and proud. I need to know. Everything. About everyone. Ever.
I know a few people like that. ehem.
I've sat and looked at peoples facebook pages and thought sarcastic and mean things. I'm human. And then i correct myself because..........really? Why am i doing it? I have a full and complete life with opportunities for growth in abundance.........and i'm wasting my time on making myself feel like shit. So THERE is another fault. I ruin my own peace, alllllll by myself.
You know i had to check out the ex's right? Not mine. His. It's just so damn easy now. Plus, I always wonder (goddammit MB stop wondering) what the other side of the story is. With lovely facebook, you can get a pretty good idea. I know the last one was........difficult. Reading her posts I kinda felt like I knew how she felt - "looking for that real love"......while you are in a relationship. HOWEVER, i heard the other side and it wasn't a pretty story. I've seen the proof of that story with my own eyes. So, she may have blamed him, and had her friends believing it was all him- but i wonder if she told the complete story and the part she played in it.
Well, i don't really wonder. I'm trying not to ruin my own peace. Remember?
Here's what i do wonder. What was my part in the decline of my last relationship? Why do i care? Because i don't want to repeat it and ruin this one. I want to learn from my mistakes and hell, make NEW ones if need be. Aside from the obvious self serving errors, like, purposely being blind, looking the other way, allowing myself to feel responsible for his behavior, not speaking up loudly enough, and frankly, not leaving when I knew he was only ever using me.
He used to tell me I cared too much. Is that a fault? To him it was, but i don't trust the source. I asked too many questions. I "always want to fight".........oh, and I'm crazy. I think i covered his list of what is wrong with me. Pretty standard complaints from a guy who is cheating, or doing things he knows damn well you aren't going to like, or stick around for.
Tell you what, the day Mike calls me crazy in THAT way is the day i call the movers. Fuck that noise. I may be nosy but crazy, i'm not. I just want the truth. Even when it sucks. And I won't be tolerating any more of that bullshit from anyone, ever, again.
Quieting or silencing myself to save someone elses pride is also not a huge concern for me anymore. Not that i want to run around outing people and shaming them, but if it happens to me, it happens to me. I get to tell it the way I felt it.
I thought about making this blog private after finding out who was reading it. Now it makes it hard to be genuine and not take shots. But you know what? I'm up for the challenge. This is my place, and you are welcome to stay and have your own opinions. Hell, sit there and have fun hating on me if that is how you need to fill your time. I'm going to keep doing me. I'm not worried about you.
Taaaaa!
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