Walking Barefoot in Snow

Remember when cheating required a bit of effort?  Before Facebook? and before the internet in general. I engaged in my own naive flirtations via chat rooms on AOL when it was all new (yes, i'm that old) and the concept that it was live person on the other end still hadn't sunk in for me as a real thing.  But it was a pretty new thing to everyone at the time so no-one really had it mastered like they do now.  You accidentally met someone in a chat room that catered to whatever your interest was and it took off from there.  I didn't even have cell phone at the time so everything was literally on the desktop computer that had dial up line that would tie up your land line phone if you were using it. If i fell into the temptation of flirtations with random "men" (maybe? who really knows) then, when I had to actually make TIME and EFFORT to indulge, I imagine that growing up with the instant ability to have everyone and anyone at your fingertips, on a cell phone - w...

....as frequently any more however it still manages to steal my breath when the memories have time to make their way into my thoughts. I scold myself, remind myself that talking, texting, even THINKING of him brings me nothing but pain and yet......the thoughts are there. I've managed to stop all communication. Now the thoughts....the good ones being the worst for my mood, my stability -Which I barely manage to cling to. He deserves no thoughts of mine. And pain passes is it doesn't kill you. I must learn to not mind the pain. One day I will wake up and remember that I have forgotten him. I know this to be true. The very thought of not loving him anymore sends me into a downward spiral that teaches me love is not kind.  Only the love of my children has never been regretted...that one great love of my life yet to make its appearance.

I can't say half of what i'm thinking because i don't want to.  I don't want to put "it" out there for anyone else right not.  Maybe never. I know what i'm talking about, i will remember and even though this is a blog, it is for me first.  My memory generally sucks.  Until i start remembering things i chose to not remember. like finding a condom in someones wallet.  And it wasn't my kid.  Why, why why didn't i just walk away then?  Because i needed to learn my lesson.  Because it's what has brought me here, now. Because now i am more comfortable being me in any situation than I ever have been and that makes me feel lighter, happier.  I'm happy.  Who would have expected that? Yes, i'm sad about losing what i thought was a forever relationship- but i gotta say, the relief i felt the other day when he got kinda bitchy over text..it was wonderful.  I don't have to care if he's moody or pissed off any more.  Not my deal. ...

I had a feeling, so i went with it and entered the phone number of the man I'm supposed to go on a date with Saturday into facebook. A friend taught me that trick about a year ago and let me tell you, it's been invaluable for information- and seeing through bullshit.  At least this time, the truth didn't break my heart. Well there he was, with a very recently updated facebook page that announces he is the husband of...well, his wife. No mistake.  That's his name, his face, his lie.  Nice.  Very nice.  A friend of mine suggests that I ask him about it, another wants me to confront him - yet my inclination is to cancel the date with a transparent excuse and move along.  I have nothing invested in this person.  He isn't going to get another minute of my time to waste with more bullshit lies.   It's the cosmos redirecting my energy back to myself, and telling me to stop trying to find someone to fill this empty space inside me.  It...

Driving again, radio on again and so of course lots of thinking.  Or remembering.  Pink Floyd on the radio, pouring rain, dark skies, interior of my cars counsel glowing warmly ..and i have a good memory of the ex husband. Its funny to me because every time i have a good memory of him, i say it out loud "i found a good memory!" which vindicates me and my youthful bad judgement that lasted well into adulthood.  I laughed this time too.  And smiled even.  Holy shit, it's a miracle. He was graduated, i was a junior in high school- we liked to lock the door of his bedroom, turn out the lights, light a candle, turn on the blue light for the posters on the wall and turn on Pink FLoyd.......light up a joint, along with the incense (because THAT wasn't a dead giveaway) and smoke. And listen to the music.  And have hours upon hours of making out.  hours. Those were the days people......not a care in the world, just good tunes and hormones. Oh Pink Floyd...

Yesterday I'm taking a long drive and enjoying the radio when my brain starts to do that thing again, thinking too much.  "remember when he....and how he....and oh, how i miss him because....." and THEN another voice said "Can we also just remember that he was a dick to you?" That's the new voice.  The one that asks why, when someone dies - does everyone make them a saint all of a sudden?  They never did ANY wrong.  Ever.  Isn't it the same thing when a relationship dies?  All we do is think about the good things, all the the halfway decent things .....and we conveniently forget the things that eventually led up to the breakup. Yes, he did loving things for me sometimes.  Not consistently and not all the time - when it benefited him.  When it got his ass out of the fire.  When he felt bad about knowing he was about to make me feel bad.  And SOMETIMES, he may have done loving things for me because he loved me.  But it had gotten ...