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A new direction





Our bodies speak to us.  It tells us when we need to slow down, pay more attention to it.  If  we don't listen, it MAKES us listen.

Years ago i gained a lot of weight when i was pregnant with my son.  That weight never came off and because I was a stay at home mom at the time, I added to it.  And added to it.  In retrospect I realize that although I had two young children at home with me, part time work was not stimulating my brain. I needed more.  My ex husband realized this and gave me the ultimatum, "go back to school or I will".........knowing full well that i could not financially support the family.

So off to school i went.  I loved it.  I did well.  I thrived.  I made friends and my wants and needs expanded.  School was the appetizer not the meal.  This new independence threw my husband off.  I had been pretty isolated to him and his family (a whole different post) so when i became social outside of him again, it wasn't taken well.

With knowledge comes power and growth.  I felt better about myself.  I wanted to feel better about my body.  Until very recently, these were two very different things to me.  I joined WW and began dropping the pounds.  I died my hair blonde.  I shopped for attractive clothing.  I smiled and laughed and became a bit more extroverted.

My marriage fell apart.  Also, a totally different blog post.

For many years, over 15, i kept the weight off.  I was as relatively happy as a single mom of two teen-agers and a tumultuous relationship could be.   I never would have been able to survive the challenges  had i not felt comfortable with myself. 

The years went on and I became less and less sure of myself.  I felt, and yes this was MY doing, that I didn't match up to other women.  I never felt "good enough" at work, but especially at home.  I was sad for a lot longer than my "self" knew.  My body?  It began screaming it to me. "hey!! you need to make some changes lady!!!"   Hey! we aren't doing well anymore! 

Fortunately, my weight gain participated in the breakup of my relationship.  Thank you body, for taking care of me.

And now, I am committing to taking care of you. Me.  No more bullshit.  It's time to get my act together all the way around.  All this lazy happiness stuff is wonderful, but i'd like it to continue for a long long time.  I keep it up, and it won't.  I need to be alive to enjoy so many things coming my way.  Last night i attended my first meeting in many many years and i'm jumping back on track to a healthier me. 

Why say it here, or anywhere?  It's a private thing, weight.  Because weight loss is a journey.  More than weight is being shed.  Sit with that for a few minutes.

This morning as i showered and looked at my own body I realized i was as bad as some other people, not appreciating the legs that allow me to get around, the body that produced two beautiful people, the body that has cared for me no matter how ugly my thoughts have ever been.  It didn't judge me.  And from here on out, i'm not judging it.  I'm going to take care of it, and appreciate and love it as it is.  Every.  Day.

Taaaaaaa

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