She didn't want to

Harvey Weinstein.  I find it so perplexing that anyone would think what he did wasn't rape.  Or at the very least sexual assault.   Why didn't these women speak sooner?  They got what they wanted in return for sex.  If it was rape why didn't they call the police when it happened?  These aren't uncommon thoughts and questions from decent, intelligent people.  Unless you have experienced rape, or sexual assault or know someone close that has, it is difficult to wrap your mind around the nuances of what rape really is.  or can be.  

Rape doesn't have to involve having a gun held to your head, or a knife to your throat by a stranger.  I think everyone agrees that rape doesn't have to be perpetuated by a stranger.  It can be by someone the "victim" knows, trusts, even loves.  While that may be accepted as possible, the fact that no threat of death or serious bodily injury is not.  And yet...it happens. 

I lost my virginity without my consent.  There were no threats, no violence.  Nothing more than one minute I was saying no, no, no and he simply did not listen.  I knew him, he was my boyfriend for a short time.  He was experienced where I was not, he was assertive, where I was not.  Making out felt wonderful.  I had hormones that were beginning to rage but I still didn't know what to do with them or how to control them.  I didn't think ahead to what comes next.  I was having too much fun being a virgin and the idea of actual sex struck terror in my heart.  I didn't want to get pregnant.  I didn't want to get caught.  I didn't want him to go around talking about it after.  I didn't want to be labeled a slut.  I had a lot of reasons "why not" and none of them ever came to fruition.  My fears about having sex were not as bad as how I felt having him ignore "no" and go ahead and force himself inside me.   

Was it my fault?  I had been making out with him heavily, having no issue with it.  I wasn't shy.  I just didn't want to have actual sex.  So, did he have a right to do what he did?  Did I lead him on, get him too excited...did he misunderstand "no"?  Did I call the police or my parents or my best friend when he was done?  No.  I lay there feeling like I had done something wrong.  I had.  Not him.  I didn't cry in front of him or act like I was bothered in any way.  I pulled up my pants, went and cleaned myself up and didn't make eye contact with myself in the mirror as I chastised myself for putting myself in a situation where something like that happened.  And then, I carried on like nothing had happened.  I was never alone with him again and we broke up shortly after.  I didn't tell anyone but the man who would turn out to be my husband, now my ex husband.  It was years later and it was because I had some issues, who would have guessed.  I told my daughter years later, as a way to warn her of placing herself in situations where she might not be safe.   

Is that rape?  I think It's called date rape now.  I'm not sure what the difference is.  I had a dick in me when it wasn't invited.  Whatever it's called. 

There is no way for  me to be gentle about talking about , writing about, what happened to me as a teen.  A Long ass time ago.  But I will tell you for certain that the memory is crystal clear as if it happened yesterday.  And that isn't the only one. 

Without going into an entire novel, I will make this short.  My mother hated my boyfriend, who would become my husband.  She didn't want us seeing each other because she found out we were in fact sexually active and she had issue with it.  We found ways around her to see each other and one of them was to wait until she went to bed at night and he would come see me. I slept in a walk out basement. Sometimes I would go down to the park and meet him where he would wait to see her bedroom lights go off.  There were other people there sometimes and I knew most of them.  They knew who he was, and what we were up to.  It wasn't a secret among peers. 

One night there was a light tap on my door.  I hadn't been expecting my bf but it was part of the elaborate signals that we had set up so I opened the door.  There was this guy I knew from the park.  He was older, out of high school.  He had always been nice to me.  He asked if he could talk to me and I said yes and sat down on the stoop with the door open behind us.  He sat down next to me and began talking about what was going on in his life, and I listened, because that is what I did then, and what i do now.  He asked for a hug goodbye and I gave it to him........and from there it turned into a silent tussle of me trying to get out of his embrace and him backing me into my bedroom.  We hit the floor which was cement and i started crying with his hand over my mouth grabbing at me and telling me he knew I wasn't going to make a noise and get my mother down there....she would know I was having "boys" come to my room at night and then what would happen?  He hit the nail on the head, if i yelled, she would come and she would find out about me seeing my bf and put a stop to it.   

We struggled silently, him trying to get at me and me not being the docile girl he expected.  I was screaming in my head but silent during the altercation.  No. No. No.  Stop. Stop. Stop.  I was crying.  He stopped.  He got up, stood over me and called me a cock tease.  I told him to get out.  He did.  I got lucky.  This time, I told no-one what happened.  I didn't tell my bf because I thought he'd be mad at me.  I didn't tell my mother because i didn't want to lose the ability to see my bf and I truly believed it was my fault that it happened at all.  I shouldn't have opened the door.  I shouldn't have sat there talking to him.  I shouldn't have hugged him.  I made myself responsible for his shitty attack on me.  I'm not alone. 

I consider myself lucky.  I'm a 50 year old woman and aside from a few unwanted ass grabs and a few "accidental" brushes of my breasts, I've escaped any sexual violence.  I live in a country where women are supposedly valued and treated fairly.  Yet, even now, rape and sexual assault seem to be on a sliding scale of you asked for it on one end and you were attacked at knife point by a stranger at the other end. 

There is a a whole lot of middle there.   

Does that make it okay? 

I say no. 

What do you say?