Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Who puts their laptop in the BACK of the huge walk in closet?  Me.  Tonight i dug it out but to get to it, i had to dig.  the mini safe was right in front of it, of course, so i started to lug it out of the way and the top opened.  "What the hell is that anyway?" i ask myself as i reach inside to pull out the bulk of copy paper.   Its my first blog.  The one that started on AOL hometown and transferred over to Yahoo 360 and then eventually just died off.  I had printed it, probably because i didn't want it to completely disappear.  I met a lot of people through that blog.  I made real friendships.   And i had no filter.  That hasn't changed much.   I wanted to sit down and start reading ....and then i thought, theres gonna be hard stuff in here.  I'm already kind of "off" due to the holiday and do i realllly want to add some more weight onto my shoulders at this point?  But......now i've found it ...

There's been a funky vibe in the air for me the past few weeks. Nothing wrong, nothing feeling right.  Just "off".  Someone suggested i get by the water to get myself right again and it's been on my mind to do just that.  When my roomie asked me to go to the beach with her the first thing i thought was "not on a weekend, no way" and then i accepted her invitation.  The beach to me is where i... go to sit and watch the ocean, listen to the waves ...the things i cannot do anywhere but there.  If there are people enjoying that same view, excellent.  It's a peaceful feeling to see the seemingly neverending water lap up onto the shore.  A reminder that i am very small and insignificant when it all comes down to it.  Which makes my worries even smaller.....in the grand scheme of things. That, surprisingly, is comforting and rejuvenating.  That vastness, that repetitive beating of the waves on the shore.....even the smell.  okay so i like the b...

 I could have been hurt and upset, defensive even angry just now when i was told that the fact that i do not live alone has taken a possible relationship off the table. He has his feelings of the way things should be in order for him to be comfortable and happy, and that's okay.  I don't have that to offer.  I haven't ever had my living situation be the reason someone didn't want to get to know me better....i guess it come down to what i have to offer being more important than who i am.   Maybe i should have told him living in a van down by the river would be perfectly okay with me as long as i have my family and friends in my life.  Next time i date someone, i'm going to lead with that..... Renting with my gf has probably been the single best thing i've done for myself over the past few years.  I'm not alone,  we are there for each other while we live our own separate lives and i'm saving money while being able to purchase what i need AT THE SAME...

 Use your words.....great advice i either don't follow or take to new levels. I have barely left my bedroom today, and that was to get coffee.  My bed is holding my fragile emotions today, with even my pup thinking i'm too much to deal with at the moment.  He has chosen to sleep in his crate although he checks on my whereabouts regularly, to make sure i haven't snuck out on him. All he knows is that i'm the one that feeds, cuddles and walks (short walks) him.  I'm always happy to see him and he returns the favor, no questions asked.  When i come home from work he is there, wiggling his butt in a frenzy of happiness as i swoop him up and smother him with kisses and "what a good boy"s.   I mean, is there really anything else needed in life?  Aside from oxygen, food and water.....probably not. I never wonder if he thinks i'm attactive, if i said the wrong thing to him, if he is seeing other mama's...... When i don't hear from him i don't wonde...

I did it again.  Got exctied about somone i was talking to for a few days and actually believed he was sincere.  I did meet  him on POF so i don't know why i'm so surprised. He seemed smart, witty, on the same page....a little gun shy too.....I really didn't expect to get ghosted.  The ability to read people used to be a skill i had, and it seems to have disapeared.   The ones i like turn out to be either married or just liars, nothing what they represent themselves to be.  These same guys are the ones who complain about scammers, or being catfished.   It's all complete bullshit.  Dating is dead.  Men just want to "meet up" and fuck.  As soon as they catch on to the fact that i'm not about that.......*POOF i get ghosted.  Thing is they usually come sniffing around again a few days later, with some bullshit (and unwanted) excuse.  Thats when they get deleted, and blocked.  No answer.  You wasted enough of my ...

 Welcome 2021!  So far, i've had Covid-19, and broken my upper ankle by falling down the stairs.   It's February 18th.  I've got a long way to go before 2022 so i better correct this trend. Living situation: Changed.  I now have a roommate and live in a cute little town with a walking trail and 2 breweries within fairly decent walking distance.  The first couple of months were a bit stressful, with all of us adjusting to me being here, and me trying to find space in my new lodging.  It feels like everything has begun to settle and become our new normal.  I feel like moving here was a good decision.  Work:  Same as it can be in a position that changes and evolves daily.  Covid has changed our world and how we fit into it, i don't care who you are.  I had very strong anxiety going into work every day in a hospital, feeling like i was playing russian roulette and wouild eventually get shot with the Covid bullet. Since i've ha...