Walking Barefoot in Snow

I asked someone for a favor because I know they drive all over the damn place for work and leisure- I even said I had no right to ask, but they encouraged me. And then I asked, offered to pay for gas, and was told it wasn't a problem. When I texted that I have a key to give them for said favor, and asked where we can meet, or where I can drop it off for them.......i get radio silence. I keep thinking this person has changed, grown up - that we are actually friends. And then I am reminded. No more chances.  I see that unless I have something to offer other than my friendship, I am not considered worthy.  I'm good with that.

 Remember: Matter. How tiny your share of it. Time. How brief and fleeting your allotment of it. Fate. How small a role you play in it. Well now.  If this isn't timely I'm not sure what is. What matters a lot to me matters little to others, and vice versa.  We are all part of a much bigger picture and THAT should matter but when it comes down to individuals, we are temporary and not around very long. Time seems to go on forever until you start nearing the end of it.  Then, you realize how little time is actually left and that is if you are lucky. So don't wait until the end of your life to start enjoying it.  Don't spend it being miserable because when you look back as you lay on your deathbed you want it flash on all the fun you had, the love you shared and the good you did. Fate- not sure I believe in this at all.  We make our own fate by the decisions and choices we make and don't make.  Its the same story for everyone, it's the choices that differ....

 Disgraceful: for the soul to give up when the body is still going strong What if it's your soul going strong and your body that is giving up? What if in my soul, I'm still 16 years old wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up and who I will fall in love with and what will I leave behind when I'm gone?          Still not grown up, as evidenced in  this blog and when I'm with people who love me regardless.          Been in love a couple of times and it doesn't suit me or my sanity.          My children are my legacy- that they turned out better than I did, in spite of their parents. Some would rather die than live on if their bodies no longer work, even if their mind is still sharp.  As someone who has never had a great relationship with my body, it is only there to carry my brain around, I strongly disagree. I can enjoy life with or without a body that functions.  My concern is that I wou...

 I reached out to tattoo man a bit ago and he responded.   Why do I do that?  It's like rubbing a canker sore on your tongue against your teeth - it hurts but you keep doing it.   Then it just *poof disappears and it's like it was never there. I still reach out to the ex randomly but I think it's a comfort thing- he'll get what I'm saying.  He responds but does not reach out to me first.  I get that too. He's the one that didn't want us anymore.  Makes sense. I have no desire to have any contact with my ex-husband.  I wonder if that's how my ex's feel about me. Tattoo guy wasn't an ex.  He was a non-relationship. I forget that part. Got asked out, and although I was mildly curious I declined.  Why?  Because I don't need another disappointment, of either me not liking him and feeling bad when I cut it off, or me liking him and him cutting me off.  I have no interest in playing that game.  I hate gambling. I talk t...

Maybe i'm over tired, or under hydrated......I  feel it coming.  The hibernation. Not a desire to go home and hide.  A need.  Every voice i hear is too loud and annoying and every sound is too sharp and distracting.  I'm jumpy.  Uncomfortable. Short tempered. Like i'm gonna explode or start crying any minute and i'm just holding on for dear life. I am physically uncomfortable and feel like everyone wants something from me. I haven't had a time like this in a long time.  But i remember now. I know it will end, just like i know it will start again.  I can do this. 

  about 5 years ago i broke my rule and actually dated a man who works at the same place as me.  I work for a large place with many locations and people, and although he was in the same location he was not in the same building. I still broke a rule.  However, he was handsome, charming, and persistent.  Eventually, I gave in and we began seeing each other. He used to facetime me with his boys and tell them to say hi.  He had younger kids.  He would talk about his "ex wife" and his frustrations.  We went out for a bit, but i ended up breaking it off when he got handsy during an argument and tried to restrain me from leaving.  Thats the short version.  I have no desire to revisit the long version. He didn't go away easily.  It turned into a stalking type situation, that ended with Covid - when many of us were sent to work from home, and finally when i literally moved. So. Last year i worked for a department and accidentally found out that t...

 How do you meet people? Years (many) ago i had a blog on yahoo ...and i don't know how but a bunch of "us" starting following each other from all over the country.  We'd read each others blogs and comment with support and/or humor, suggest books, recipes, counseling....we were all different and yet so alike. One friend was called Dub.  He lived in Oklahoma.  His business was fixing motorcycles and he did it on his property.  His commute was short.  He had a HUGE garden and he would post daily about what he was cooking that day.  He had a live in girlfriend, Judy.  He would talk about his garden, his clients, his girl, and the band he played in.  I loved following him and having him follow me.  His comments were hysterical and most of the time, spot on. I remember him telling me to "run" from the boyfriend, "before you kill each other".   Well that blog spot closed down and we all moved over to another and then i think that one...

 That fantasy of not worrying about my knee because it's "just" arthritis got chucked out the window last night when i took myself on a date.  I went to see Paranormal Cirque by myself because i couldn't find anyone to go with me. I'm past the point of not doing something because i can't find someone to do it with me. The ride was nice, an hour away.   I left on time no one gave me attitude, and i didn't have to wait for anyone.  I got in my car and went. Parking was a bit of a nightmare, but i didn't have to listen to anyone complaining about a situation i couldn't do anything about.  I parked.  Then I sat for a few minutes because i had been thinking about someone that i haven't talked to in a bit.  I felt a little sad, but resigned.  His name keeps popping up this week so.....I did what i do, and i reached out, then put my phone away.  I also texted my ex to let him know i was seeing this show by myself (I used to buy him tickets to g...

a long time ago in a far away place i was chasing a cat, and i fell on my knee full force.  Didn't break it, but still traumatized it.  Over the years it's come and gone as a problem, but now........it's bad. I have arthritis in my knee.  yay.  This is what causes me to grimace when going up and down stairs, and while basically doing anything that puts pressure on my knee.  Mr. Doctor gave me a nice shot in the knee which worked for about 24 hours and now i'm back to the start again. Surgery is out of the question.  I cannot take that kind of time, and i don't have anyone to help me at home.  Staying in a convalescent home is not an option because i have pets.  So diet it is.  I now have to remove anything that causes inflammation from my diet.  After looking at this for a bit......i just won't eat anymore.   At least i know my knee isn't going to snap or give out and that it's the arthritis sending shocking waves of pain throu...

 up down, over around.  But just little mountains, not huge insurmountable mountains.....that's what life is at the moment. I'm scared.  Opportunities can turn into failures.  Or not.   I'm sad.  Doing this solo, on my own, no partner to talk it out with.  No one to give me a hug and tell me to just jump. I'm grateful.  Never expected in my wildest dreams that my late 50's would be when i hit my stride professionally and that this would be when i finally look like i'm getting my act together. I'm excited.  There is a path in front of me that wasn't there previously.  I'm curious.  This could go in many ways and I don't see any of the choices being wrong.  As long as i DO SOMETHING.               Also, it looks like someone in Israel is reading my blogs and that also makes me curious.  i'd love for you to comment, for us to connect in an across the world way - what brings you bac...

 So many good and exciting things coming up!  Opportunities and goals are coming together like puzzle pieces.  I almost can't believe my eyes. It will take a lot of work short term, and still more work long term.......but I see it happening.  My retirement dreams might actually come to fruition.   I don't want to say more because i'm afraid of jinxing it.  It's just a good and exciting time for me in the self growth department. Also - who else takes a summer vacation to Florida besides me?  My friends.  I'll be taking an actual vacation with them, like, a whole WEEK in Florida.  I can't wait to sit on the soft white sand under an umbrella with a book and some nice adult beverages........listening to the ocean and getting my toes sun kissed.  No naked beach for me this year....i don't think.   Good relaxing times with some of my favorite people.  Life. is. good. 

 Every time i get happy and comfortable somewhere (which is rare) something happens to ruin it. Just took a look at my new lease starting in October.  Rent increased.  A lot. So i can bit the bullet and pay to stay, or i can spend that money moving.   Either way, i'm fucked. I'm not meant to have a home in this lifetime.  I'll just keep floating and surviving by treading water. I hate this.

 I have an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon today for my knee.  My *&^( Knee.   Years ago, i was chasing my cat, Seeku, and a rug slipped out from under my feet causing me to slam down on my knee. I was upstairs, my bf at the time was downstairs with a friend.  There was a pause, and then they went back to their conversation as i writhed on the floor in agony trying not to cry and swear. I have never been graceful.  I have fallen more than a few times.  He would stand there and look at me, wouldn't ask if i was okay, wouldn't help me up.....I wasn't shocked he didn't come up to check on me. Due to being embarrassed, i tried to ignore the swelling and discoloration that appeared over the next few days.  One morning i went to work and my leg swelled so bad my pant leg was skin tight...my co-workers forced me to the doctors.  Nothing broken, my knee was "traumatized".....hahahahah that was perfect.  On goes a huge brace, and i sit...