Walking Barefoot in Snow

Seems like people are always suggesting that i go to therapy. This can be taken in several ways-  one, stop bothering me with your stupid, repetitive bullshit and go pay someone to listen two, i really think your problems are severe and i'm not willing to be responsible for advising you to go jump off a bridge and end your pitiful existence.. or three, maybe therapy will help you.  Give that a shot. I like to handle things myself, after all, i'm quite good at analyzing every word and action of people around me, including myself.  I'm just not so good at putting those results into expected or appropriate actions.  In other words, i know.  I know.  I know.  And yet, i continue to willfully make myself miserable. She's a place of comfort, misery.  I know her so well.  HOWEVER, i did make a promise to myself that THIS year would be all about me, my goals, my needs, desires, wants........All there is, is me.   I...

When someone i respect acts shocked over something i say, or do - it always makes an impression on me.  So much so that i start to think they might not know me very well, or as well as i thought....but then, i always have to take into consideration the context of the relationship. For instance - today i threw Anthony Bourdain's image into my collage during art class.  He seemed to fit, even though i noticed that my inclination was to get graphic and xx rated immediately after his face was glued onto my project......I controlled the urge.  Keep it PG MB, you work here after all. So the Professor (also someone i would consider a friend who knows me at least a LITTLE) strolls by and gulps out "REALLY?".......which has me looking around for what the hell just happened to make him choke out loud.   "Bourdain?"  says he.  "yeaaaaah" says I. "I don't understand what women see in him" says he.  "Well...........for starters,HOT...

For months now i keep looking and saying "i have to find my fitbit".  Smart ass put it in a place where i wouldn't lose it and then i moved.  To date, i've been able to find anything i was looking for within moments, including a birth certificate.  BUT, my fitbit is still missing in action. Last night Cathy talked me into taking water aerobics.  Now, i'm not passing judgement, i'm the LAST person to pass judgement HOWEVER.......all i can think about is white haired (ehem) old ladies standing around in a pool waving beach balls.  I know, this is unfair.  And because i'm now signed up, i will soon find out if it is accurate.  I purchased a bathing suit.  My friend Tracy will be delighted since now i won't be scavenging hers when i go to her house.  Ugh.  The humiliation. Because we (Cathy and I) were discussing the perplexing problem of eating correctly yet not losing weight (i eat correctly when i feel like it, which is MY problem) we...

This morning i was scrolling through my phone and an article popped up that grabbed me by the throat and squeezed.  Hard. /anxiety-disorders-typically-caused-by-exposure-to-narcissistic-abuse Understand that i take great pride in the fact that I left a 20 year relationship with the father of my children, my ex-husband, due to his drug abuse and what i truly feel were mental health issues.  Why pride?  Because I had been with him since i was 14 years old, and he was literally my only family aside from my children. (Thats another story)  It wasn't easy, it was very difficult and it was absolutely necessary.  I have no regrets about ending that relationship. And i truly thought i had moved on.  Grown up, became wiser.  Reality is that i went right back into the same kind of relationship on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I believed that because THIS relationship was the complete opposite of my marriage that IT was healthy.  What i want...

How does one meet single men outside of work, (still a no no for me) and class (slightly immoral considering age differences).  One (This one) creates a profile on a dating website and gets bombarded with "hi" "how are you" "you are pretty" from men who do not in any way match what I said I am looking for in my "application".  Once in a while, I am able to find a man who fits the criteria, as basic as it is, and who's profile appears to be looking for.......well, me. I actually LOOK at what these men are writing in their profiles, and READ what they say they are searching for in a woman.  I was not aware that many men don't bother reading women's profiles and go on looks alone.........which brings me to my first "WTF". FIRST WTF - I post several recent pictures with comments below explaining and DATEs that show what kind of activities i enjoy and that I actually smile and laugh quite a bit.   My pictures are recent, they...

Thursday sucked balls.  But because of it, i earned mine.  My balls that is. Everyone who cares for me has expressed their concern over my continual contact with him.  One friend put it like this, "It will only bring you more heartache and drama." and he was absolutely correct.   I spent a whole day last week involved in his personal hell, that he brought upon himself that only he can fix.  It had nothing to do with me.  However, I became involved. Why? because i'm the idiot that still loves him - okay, loves what i thought he was. Okay.  LOVED what i thought he was. I had to make a tough choice, and i did what i thought was right.  I knew he would be angry, probably never speak to me again and I still did what i knew had to be done.  Because of this choice a lot of information hit me that I was unprepared for.  The betrayal i felt was exactly what i needed to finally cut my ties with him.   I've heard so many differ...

Knowing what i want in a man doesn't make it any easier finding him. If anything, it makes it more difficult.  I cant just meet someone and then let him know i'm into him, give him my number, ask him to call - or say it would be good to hear from him.  Or, as in my last relationship, be the one to reach out and say "holy shit i'm into you"........ Because being the one that pursues has never ended well for me.  I never considered myself "chasing", as i've always made the initial "i'm interested" move and then backed off.  I don't call him, he calls me.  I don't ask him out, he asks me.  But back then the whole idea of dating - as in being asked to do a certain thing at a certain time, had turned into just spending time together with no real plan. i short changed myself, in so many ways, by wearing my heart on my sleeve- by being nice, by thinking of him (them), by letting them know i was thinking of them.  It's fun to ...