Walking Barefoot in Snow

 Yesterday I found myself telling someone something about my life that I had not planned on sharing.  We don't really talk too much about our past relationships.  We aren't there yet and i don't know that it's really important.  It's not a race to the finish line.  There is time.   This was just the natural time to share the information. I have very few regrets in my life, some things i may have done differently, but even so, without regret.  Everything has brought me to who i am today.  This got me thinking of how much I've changed, that i would not even put the energy into defending anything I've done because i don't have to, and because i don't want to, or need to.  This also brought to mind how often judgement used to rule my world, and how I felt about myself. I married very young, to my high school boyfriend.  For many reasons, all i ever wanted (in my wisdom of 21 years) was to get married, have babies, and live happily ever ...

I read a lot of articles and books, watch a lot of Ted talks and relationship videos on youtube, and even follow self proclaimed therapists on TikTok and Instagram Reels......mostly because i find intimate relationships confusing and stressful, often disappointing and frustrating.  I have spent so much of my life trying to figure out the men I have been involved with.....how do i keep them happy, faithful, interested...how do i make them want me back, love me back, care for me back?  I still have no idea and that's just fine. I don't have a problem entertaining myself, being loyal, loving myself, being kind and taking care of me.  I am an independent, loving, 100% loyal, and passionate woman.  I've done the work, i continue to do the work, and will always work on improving myself.   I only need to know what I want out of a relationship.  WE need to decide if our wants add up.  I'm still going to be me, he's still going to be him.  We aren't ...

 Lets just jump into my head for a minute. I’ve had 2 traditional long-term serious relationships, and neither worked.   I carried resentment in both.  I felt controlled and powerless in both.  One was jealous, possessive, and controlling, the other had me so confused and anxiety-ridden that it was hard to focus on anything BUT him.  I should have never been a wife at that age and the more I reflect…..at any age.  I don’t believe marriage keeps people together.  Marriage is for buying property and having babies to close all the legalities of outside people that may interfere.  It’s a business transaction to protect your joint investment. If you are lucky. For me, it was a tool used by an angry spouse to drag me to court every month so I couldn’t divorce him.  It’s about ownership and control, not love, not happiness.  Certainly no good will. No, thank you.  At the beginning of my second long-term relationship, I mad...

It was a summer night and i had just walked out of a bar that has long since closed in a town i eventually grew to love.  It was a first kiss that came out of nowhere from a man who drove an El Camino.  I was there with a friend we had in common, yes to meet him.  I was out of practice, having been with my husband for 20 years.  I felt seen by this tall, lean, long haired, tattooed man with the dark eyes and thick lashes..... wanted, desired.  The way he wouldn't stop staring at me, the quietness of him, the nearness...he was the distraction i was looking for. Training wheels.  At the end of the night i followed him out of the parking lot, him leading me to the main road (before GPS) this song came on the radio.  We both stopped at the red light where i would go one way and he would go the other.  He jumped out of his car, ran back to mine and gave me another kiss through the open window.  We parted ways and we should have left it at that....

 Working out some crappy memories that seem to be popping up a lot lately. Social media kills me on days like today, Mother's Day.  Everyone posting homage to their mothers, and mothers posting pictures of all the things their offspring planned for them on this special day. I know most of it is bullshit.  But it still makes me feel like shit.   I don't know if my own mother is even still alive, and no, i don't care either way.  That sounds callous, heartless, mean........and that's what happens when a mother throws her barefoot and half-dressed 16-year-old daughter out of the house on a cold November day.  She told "our" family (my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc) that I ran away.   Even when I was a little kid I knew enough to wear shoes and pack a bag.   But everyone believed her, and when I called them, they told me to "go home"....however, she wouldn't let me.   She was divorced from the man who gave me his name, legal...

 Last blog was about being able to sit with my discomfort. Well i have and i've proven i can and now I'm all set with that shit.  Thank you very much. Also i've learned a very important lesson that i have been fighting against all my adult life.  DO NOT SLEEP WITH A MAN you are interested in as relationship material until you are in fact, in a relationship. I know, i know.  "we aren't kids".....blah blah blah.  No.  I'm not a kid.  I'm a grown up and i need to protect myself better from the bullshit.  I like sex, i'm goddamn good at it too but only someone who IS IN A RELATIONSHIP with me is getting access to that part of me.  This go around, this bonding with a man who wasn't ready for a relationship, never mind with ME, has sent me through a loop.  I got bonded to him, i sure as hell did.  And he did not get bonded to me.  And now, i'm fucked.  I knew he checked all the boxes AND is handsome as hell AND has a great sense...

 I've been making little notations in my bullet journal lately - trying to give myself little reminders of supportive statements, compliments, happy things that happen to me each day.  So peppered within my list of books I want to read next, movies i want to keep an eye out for, small goals to reach and reminders, I have little drops of positivity. Because i need to remind myself sometimes, that life is good.  Just because everything isn't my way doesn't make it not good.  A goal i have currently is to learn how to sit with discomfort.  I don't have to fix something immediately that will eventually work itself out naturally.  Just be uncomfortable.  It won't kill me.   I haven't perfected it.  Not by a longshot.  But in fairness, it's a new concept for me.  A new goal.  I've pretty much gone 56 years of my life avoiding discomfort.  And THAT has landed me in the shit over and over again.  Old dogs can, in fact, l...

  “Oh, f**k me side-sally. Who the hell’d want to read about all this horsesh*t anyway?”