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uncomfortable as Fuck

 Last blog was about being able to sit with my discomfort.


Well i have and i've proven i can and now I'm all set with that shit.  Thank you very much.

Also i've learned a very important lesson that i have been fighting against all my adult life.  DO NOT SLEEP WITH A MAN you are interested in as relationship material until you are in fact, in a relationship.

I know, i know.  "we aren't kids".....blah blah blah.  No.  I'm not a kid.  I'm a grown up and i need to protect myself better from the bullshit.  I like sex, i'm goddamn good at it too but only someone who IS IN A RELATIONSHIP with me is getting access to that part of me.  This go around, this bonding with a man who wasn't ready for a relationship, never mind with ME, has sent me through a loop.  I got bonded to him, i sure as hell did.  And he did not get bonded to me.  And now, i'm fucked. 

I knew he checked all the boxes AND is handsome as hell AND has a great sense of humor AND all the things that make me wild.  The bad boy look with the mushy insides and ......smart.  shudder.  I knew i was in trouble and i paid no attention.  BAD GIRL.  

Can you fall in love at first sight?  No.  I don't think so.  But i think the possibility gets stirred up and as you get to know each other you add or subtract.  I was busy adding and he was.......not.  Rule number one (and i reallllly hate rules) is do not date emotionally unavailable men.  Just do not.  It's not a commentary on if they are good or bad........it just means you are going to spend a lot of time trying to prove yourself when you can't.  When you shouldn't have to.  You can't fix it.  It's not your issue, but YOU will be the one paying the price.  So don't do it.  If he is that wonderful he will work on his own issues and get available emotionally.  Or he won't.  That is entirely up to him.  If you are empathetic, as i am, you will fight yourself, you will pledge to "be there" for a man that doesn't want or need you there.  Just don't.  Save yourself. 

So thats two rules that i had to learn not to break.   Do i regret the hurt feelings and literal pain in my chest, the tears i haven't cried for a man in years.........no.  I don't.  I wouldn't give the time back if I could.  I'm glad i met him, i'm glad we spent the time together we did and i have a few good memories.

Will i remember that he let me down very courteously and allowed me to keep my pride in tact?  Or will i remember one particular night where little sleep was had and the next day he begin the rapid withdrawal into himself and away from me.  Probably the latter.   

Tomorrow i'll get up and be relieved that i know it's not going anywhere and i can go back to my manless stress free happy life. And the next time a friend says "hey i know a guy" i'm going to laugh my ass off.  

Let him come to me then.  Because this woman, has handed in her balls.  

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